Credit: unDraw

This is an Automatic Reply Message

Hi there! Thanks for your message

Hi stranger,

I know you must hate auto-reply messages. Same here.

But not as much as I love being incredibly in-demand. Nothing compares to that gleeful moment of seeing a mountain of incoming emails every single day — it’s like being gently crushed by a digital avalanche.

I realized over time that people who send me emails don’t actually care for polite conversation. Most of the time, they don’t actually care about me at all. They just need things.

What am I, a human vending machine? (Don’t answer that).

And so, I figured I might as well follow the same courtesy. Don’t care about me? Fine. I’ll get back to you whenever I feel like it — whether it’s 2–3 business days or 2–3 decades. Don’t worry, I will get back to you.

Eventually.

If you do get a response, it’ll be because I can get something from you. Transactional exchanges are the crux of business y’know?

Here’s what to do if you don’t hear back from me:

1. Cry
   There, there. At least you have this auto-reply to console you
2. Send another email
   I’ll send another automatic response
3. Consider sending…