My mind wasn’t wired for this — socializing with ADHD & ASD

On the outside, and probably on paper, I look like someone who has it together. Someone who has a plan, is good with people, and is receptive to people’s needs. But on the inside, I experience turmoil, insecurity, and uneasiness when I’m left to handle things on my own.

I have been teaching myself to be OK with being alone, in the sense that I don’t feel this pressure to befriend everyone. The pressure is there because of this perception that having friends that you check in with more than once a month means you won at the social aspect of success.

Is it safe here?

In psychology, I learned that children who feel safe and can socialize with ease show secure attachment. But all I could think about was how difficult it was, when I was 4, to even process the fact that I was being separated from my mother.

At the time, it was believed that I’d outgrow my meltdowns. But they were frequent and lasted the entire school year.

When I was 7 years old, I learned that breathing exercises and establishing a routine made things easier. But when I started middle school, I couldn’t go many days of my first year without crying, because the routine, the environment, and the structure were different.

Who could focus on making friends and developing healthy friendships when still trying to establish safety and a sense of security?

My inability to understand my own needs, the lack of support, and little intervention led to turbulent events. I became very close to someone in my last year of middle school. This toxic friendship consisted of gaslighting and humiliation — I didn’t even recognize myself afterward. I didn’t see it because I was so desperate to preserve this friendship, knowing how hard it was to make friends to begin with.

Talking about it

Relationships and friendships are about boundaries and communication. When you have ADHD and are on the autism spectrum, there’s an added challenge to initiating and maintaining these relationships. I couldn’t keep pretending that I didn’t need support; I had to stop masking.

Building relationships with other people can be a challenge, beginning from childhood and lasting through adulthood. Maintaining them can be an added challenge, especially when you struggle with executive dysfunction and regulating your emotions.

ADHD is a pattern of hyperactivity, impulsivity, and inattention, affecting several aspects of development. A lot of people with ADHD struggle with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), which makes them fearful of what people think of them and easily embarrassed. I am one of those people. Sometimes I don’t even think I’m interested in impressing the person I’m speaking to. Yet the last thing I want to do is leave a negative impression.

Going back to communication and boundary-setting, I can’t emphasize how important these things are in a relationship. Especially when a neurodivergent brain is in the picture.

When my boyfriend and I go grocery shopping at a busy hour, the crowds, the noise, and the lights overload my senses and put me in freeze mode. I’m silent, pull on my fingers, and try to focus on one thing, hoping I can fade things out. He notices and makes sure I’m OK, and we finish up. I had to tell him that less busy times would make these trips easier. And that next time, we can come up with a plan and know what we’re looking for so the goal will redirect my focus.

Even neurotypical couples discuss the responsibilities they each take care of to make the relationship work. It works if you talk about it and listen to each other. But what happens when the other person doesn’t want to listen?

I have a difficult relationship with my mother, who has difficulty accepting my diagnoses. Without my ADHD medication, I experience the fogginess, the fatigue, the dreamlike state that prevents me from focusing on my work. She doesn’t understand how important my medication is as part of my treatment, and she dismisses the way I feel.

I set boundaries, and when they’re crossed, I emphasize them again. And again. She tries so hard to get me to understand her, which I have done unconditionally for years. But what do I do when she doesn’t want to try to understand me?

Put your needs first

There’s no perfect plan or manual that gives you a step-by-step process of what to do. Not every situation is the same, and the needs of every neurodivergent mind will be different.

But the best thing you can do is advocate for yourself. Don’t give all of yourself away to someone who can’t recognize or respect your needs. Recognize that you can’t do everything, nor be expected to do everything. Freezing up because of executive dysfunction isn’t an indication of laziness. Struggling with forgetfulness, procrastination, impulsivity, or sensory overload doesn’t equate to immaturity.

The truth is, maturity is admitting that you need support, setting boundaries, and communicating. It’s taking responsibility for your life, which is the most adult thing you can do.