Dear Leila,

This was written in Dec 2017, when you were just under 2.

— —

This is the last night of our 6-day half-vacation (half visa trip) to Mexico. Somehow, even though the three of us went to Hawaii together in September, this feels like our first real trip as a family.

I think it’s because you’re becoming a person. A real person. Not just a baby who needs to be fed and clothed and held.

Which in turns means that Sid and I are no longer just a couple with a baby. Instead, we’re two adults hanging out with a tiny person who has her own specific relationship with each of us.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the weight of your “Leila-ness”. You have character traits that are entirely your own. Not mine or Sid’s. Like your cautious curiosity. Your obsession with spiders. Your fondness for jacuzzis (?!). Your fascination with videos of octopi eating crabs.

Now I can look into your eyes and marvel at the nascent thoughts that are probably forming. I wonder at the fact that there’s a whole psychic universe inside of you that will become unlocked over time. And that I get to ride pillion and have some input into where you decide to go.

Suddenly motherhood feels like both a privilege and a responsibility. I want to use my ability to impact who you become carefully and wisely. You’re not mine to shape and mold. You are you, and I’m just here to help out with map-reading and occasional directions.