A Nice Revelatory Account about my Thought processes in the area of selfhood that encompasses a lot of ideas

One thing I miss most about my previous self is the feeling of importance in everyday interaction and in interpersonal relationships; not necessarily simply significant relationships — these even more so — but ordinary, run-of-the-mill, perhaps see-at-the-coffee-shop-once-a-week people about whom I may be ambivalent. It all seemed deep and meaningful.

One thing that was certainly hammered into my consciousnes was that of potential meaning (not hammered by an outside force, but secured in such a visual fashion — another sheet of metal being pounded into a first sheet to meld completely into a smooth continuous surface). Each moment of one’s waking life contains endless possibility. Anything can come to fruition. You’ve just got to reach out and get a grip on it, and actuality is within your grasp. Simple enough. People may be laden with the images of constraint such that outcomes they wish to happen or that they feel should happen become absolutely unattainable in their mind. By letting yourself have high standards, thinking outside the box, dreaming, thinking positively, listening to your inner voice, thinking critically, seeing reality in a better state than it is now, you’re simply allowing the ~ possibility of ~ this or that. Why wouldn’t one give themselves the leeway to strive for for the extraordinary for their life? Life does not have to be dictated by forces which strike you down through your weaknesses.

Only very recently did I come to the perception that not everyone acts, (even, horrendously, a majority of the population that I am surrounded with does not act) very intentionally. It was completely a part of my makeup growing up that I saw everything a person says or does as being intentional, meaning they had thought-out reasons for the things they did and the things they thought. That people realized that with every action they took, it conveyed a meaning. It was something they were bringing into the world, which affected those around them. I went so far as to see every action I took to be an extension of self. Looking back at my life, if my actions and choices had had a physical consistence, I see the molecules as highly condensed, as if being pulled off the very fabric of my spirit. Since I knew the reasons for my actions, they became that more meaningful and powerful-feeling.

I thus come to the realization of a reason why I perceived life so seriously. Even in the moments which I did not find to be that important, I was cognizant of the fact that I was determining them to be not important. Interactions that were lighthearted and playful, they were still in a sense deep because the pure quality of that state of being filled me; and it was a strong, solid feeling. I felt every action and determination that I made, to be of great significance. The choices I made were important. If I wanted to be playful, that whole essence filled my heart. At least…I strived to come from a state unadulterated by defensiveness and fear or unnatural surrogation with outside conceptions held by the person I’m with or by people I’ve been around in the past. I did not associate my identity with anything half-hearted. If I felt that the only way I could perform an action was half-heartedly, I usually did not do it. It felt very wrong, like saying “Fuck you” to yourself. Doing things half-heartedly or blandly/indifferently is accepting this state for yourself; settling. In this moment you are only seeing a limitation or limited potential. Feeling fully, being present to the positive power within you, being in touch with your personal potential is something I don’t believe should be sacrificed. It is there; it does not go away; it does not suddenly become false; it’s simply your true, pure essence. I do not like muddy stuff. I like clear stuff. In every circumstance I strived to keep in vision the full potentiality that I saw could be had, not be bound by the limitations and tensions that existed in the atmosphere I was in. I tried very hard not to allow what seemed to be inferior presence to permeate my essence. I could, and did, sometimes do things or act in certain ways because it was expected or perhaps it would have drawn too much attention to me if I’d not done it, but there was a very clear picture in my mind that this was not me. It was almost like I entered a duality of mind where I carried out what I saw as a duty while my spirit dwelt within my true essence — it was very important for the mind to have a grounding in the true essence…otherwise you will be filled with an essence either of outside influence or in opposition to that outside influence, both of which are not solid foundations and essentially false, because they’re images. In almost every situation I found a way to have a full authentic presence as a base; to not be playing off what already was there, but generating my own personal perception and experience.

What is my essence? My sense of self. And, my sense of self in relation to the world, but this is secondary. My values, what I want, desire, my truth. Based upon a wealth of self-reflection and life reflection. A solid set of standards.

Someone may perceive something to be somewhat unacceptable in their society and in response may find it nearly impossible to go against, even if they wanted to. First of all, this ‘faux pas’ exists outside of oneself as a barrier and something unattainable. Then, after that, each individual must rebirth, refuel this perception in their mind as something solid. It now exists in their mind as a reality. It’s hard for me to grasp that people actually miss perceiving that they are making an intentional act in this process. This is the most important step, in my mind. Because what you decide on, what you believe, what you act on, what you close yourself to, these are you. They make up your world. You are building/reforming your essence with these concepts and foundations that you act from. When buying into and passively accepting something that “just is”, you are essentially building into your inner self, concepts that come from other people. Your locus of individuality becomes diluted and is not necessarily in line with your values and desires. There is much less of an ability to form pure and solid intentions and conceptualizations of reality. To describe what I mean by ‘pure’, the succession from unpure to pure would ascend in having control over one’s own thought processes, be more simple and less muddled, stronger and focused rather than iffy and disorganized, have stronger personal connection/resonance with the ideas, and involve a higher level of comprehension of the processes and beliefs in relation to oneself. Allowing limitations that exist in the outside world (which have no basis in your true self and values) to become a part of your own mental reality is succumbing your power to outside forces that are not in jurisdiction over you in the first place. You are answering to others silently and in a sense, bowing down to them — “Your power is acknowledged and accepted, your highness and/or society.” One fine distinction to be made is that of being held back by perceived limitations in contrast to fully accepting them and integrating them into your reality. People, including me, will struggle against these invisible forces. Yet, if one keeps in mind the possibility of a reality without such limitation, he is staying true to himself if that is in accordance with his belief system and actually allowing the possibility of that to manifest in his life. He is acknowledging that this is a real and legitimate form of reality. Perception of reality is not set in stone and definitely not the same as those around you, unless you choose it. As stated previously, each individual gives life to whatever perception they adopt. Why not construct a form that allows room for certain results that will not act as inhibitors but rather enablers?

Now if you’re not self-aware and don’t tend to think things through, I suppose it’s not likely you’ll have very varying aspirations or expectations from run-of-the-mill stereotypical ideologies of the culture you live in, or the type of people you spend the most time around. I suppose it’s a lazy way of making meaning. A mass-supported frame of reference that really takes little effort on your part to keep running and formulate because it’s outsourced to all these individuals around you. It’s there supported by the air, contained like a cloud hovering over, or a magical mist permeating your physical location. And people can really be passionate from that frame of reference, use it as if it’s such a solid springboard from which to base their thinking or declare their knowledgeable expertise. It’s fascinating and unnerving.

This concept can be applied to mass fears such as, for example, racism. I feel these deeply, because these people are putting out this emotional energy and since it’s much of the time aggressively defensive, it is like knives going through the air attempting to rip at you. This here is such a problem with adopting this magical cloud base of consciousness. Everyone you come across falls before that looking-lens and you cannot see actual qualitites of a person that, for example, is not racist at all, because that is not a possibility in your consciousness world. You choose to include racism in your reality from fear of it, which does not make sense to me because the more you look for it, the more it will fall into your lap. In essence, you are accepting it into your life. You are not operating from your self, from your true pure essence, but from a fictitious idea that you grabbed ahold of and claimed as your own.