My God look at this. On the carpet. What am I even supposed to make of this? Did you think you could do this and no one would notice? I guess this makes it very clear what you think about carpets.

You need to apologize.

I’m not a carpet myself, but I can say with some authority that what you did is entirely unacceptable to carpets, and likely all rugs and all floors, and by extension all of humanity and many animals.

Here’s the one thing that you need to do now: You need to get down on all fours, next to the carpet, and apologize. And I can’t believe that you haven’t done just that yet.

Know what shocked me, puppy? That you would do this and then start scratching at the door like you wanted to go out. As if this were just some simple mixup. As if it was my job to let you out on some exact schedule. That’s exactly the sort of blaming and shaming I’ve come to expect from puppies.

Puppy, why won’t you categorically deny that you have worms? What’s the big deal? If you don’t have worms then you should release a statement from your veterinarian to that effect. Until you do that I can only assume that you are hiding the fact that you do have worms.

Puppy, you need to apologize. Until you apologize this discussion can’t go on.

Puppy, I’d beat you with a rolled-up newspaper if I could, but I refuse to pay for a subscription.

I didn’t hear an apology. I need an apology. Go ahead and grovel and look up with big eyes and whine. Show me how sorry you are.

We can’t continue this conversation until I get that apology.

Apologize.

Apologize!

Nice try, but if you think that’s an apology then I’m sorry, puppy, but too little, too late.

Here’s the truth: No apology is ever going to make up for what you did. Just by thinking that an apology would be enough to regain my confidence and affection, you’ve shown how little you understand why I wanted an apology in the first place. Puppy.

That’s why I can’t love you, puppy. I hope one day you can truly understand why what you did was wrong and apologize and mean it.

Until then you can stay outside.

I hate you, puppy.

Now do a trick.