FOREIGN FEELINGS PODCAST
Episode 6: Psalm for a 1 Night Stand
Show Notes for People Who do Not Belong
Episode 6 features Adham whose mother tongue is Arabic and Janko whose mother tongue is German and Linnea whose mother tongue is English.
I like hearing this poem in German. I appreciate Janko’s translation. His translation of ‘white man sense of entitlement’ to weißer-Mann-Anspruchshaltung turns me on and I will be honest: Janko has a great voice for radio and podcasts. It is deep and ‘manly’. It calms me. But therein lies the rub: What does it mean to have a manly voice? While we are at it: What does it mean to be a Man?
Psalm für einen One Night Stand
Ich sage ihm
Ich komme nicht mit zu dir
Aber dann knutschen wir im Park
Deutsche küssen gut
Ihre weißer-Mann-Anspruchshaltung stärkt die
Hände, Lippen, Zunge
Ich werde das jetzt machen und es wird dir gefallen
Ja…
Das wird es
Das nächste Mal wenn ich jemanden küsse
Will ich es wollen
(sela)
Dickes, dunkler, lockiges Haar
Sanftes Selbstbewusstsein in der Luft
Verwitterte Reife
Gegen erbärmlichen Bart
Hohe Stimme, runder rücken, schwache Arme
Ich will dich chiropraktisch einrenken
Mein Hirn versucht verzweifelt das Rätsel zu lösen:
Macht es mich an?
Macht es mich aus?
Es macht mich aus.
Ich mag Leute nicht, die alles wissen
Ich mag nicht „Wissen“
Ich bin voll von Unwissen
Ich möchte einen Nachbarn in Neugier
Zeige mir deine Prellungen der Unsicherheit
(sela)
Wenn ein Mann 80 Euro für ein Essen zahlt und ich dann mit zu ihm gehe
Ist das Prostitution?
Wiederhole ich
Wie es mit meinem Mann war?
Finanzielle Abhängigkeit
Ja…
Ich muss Geld sparen
Ich brauche Sex
Beide Bedürfnisse werden heute gestillt
Etwas.
Ist.
Seltsam.
(Sela)
Der Sex ist mechanisch
Obwohl wir zwei neue Körper sind
Gibt es nichts Neues zwischen uns
Wir machen beide das was wir immer tun
Statt uns gegenseitig zu erkunden
Ich will das nicht…
Ich bin nicht interessiert
Ich bin abgeturnt durch die Whiteness des ganzen
Ich melde mich am Morgen nicht bei dir
Ich vergesse es.
Ich verbuche es als Lernerfahrung
(sela)
Ich suche Männer aus, mit denen ich mich sicher fühle
Nicht welche die mich anziehen
Das ist wo ich gerade stehe
Ich will mutig sein
Ich will es eigentlich anders
Aber ich traue schönen Menschen nicht
Adham’s lively-ness and spark adds a nice touch to the conversation. Where Janko is slow, thoughtful and deep in his approach to the poem and the translation of it, Adham is sprightly and shoots from the hip. And rightly so: forced to be a foreigner in the country he grew up in, Adham struggles with the definition of ‘home’ and the permission he does not have to call the United Arab Emirates home.
دیشن لا ةقلاع لا ةرباع
ولتلق
كتیب ىلع كعم عجار ام
عمو ةقیدحلاب انسوب ،كیھ
نیزاتمم نیساوب نامللااھ
لوحتتب ضیبلا لاجرلاھ ردص تخفن
ةفشلا ،ناسللا ،دیقلا ةوقل
ابحت حر كنع ابصغ و ،كیھ لمعا حر انا
انا
ادح سوبب يللا ةیاجلا ارملا
يدب انا ،يدب انا
( ةلاص )
لوتفم ينب رعش
ةمعان ةقثب نایلم وجلا
روطتم جضن
ةنیكسملا نقدلاھ دض
فاعض نیدیلاا و ورھظ لوح يتوص
اورسك ام لبق كرھض كلموق يدب
ةروذحلااھ كفت نجی مع يلقع
؟يفطم انا لھ
؟يفطم انا لھ
. يفطم دجب انا
يش لك اوفرعیب يللا سانلا بحب ام
ةفرعملا مدع بحب انا
لھج ةنایلم انا
لھجلاھب قیفر يدب انا
كتامدك ينیجرف ددرتلا نم
( ةلاص )
عفد لاجر اذا ٨٠ تیبلاع وعم تعجر و ةبجول €
؟يش ةراعد يھ
يش دیع مع انا
؟يجوز عم ناك يللا
يداملا دامتعلااھ
ھیأ
يراصم فیس مزلا
ينیكینت و كین مزلا
يلیللاھ اوبلتی حر نیتجاحلاھ
يف
روعش
بیرغ
( ةلاص )
دماج سكسلاھ
اننیمسج دادج ونا عم
دیدجیش يف ام انتانیب
ةمیدق انتاكرح لك
ضعب داسجأ فشتنكن مع ام و
يداب ام اللهو
متھم ينام
ينھرك ضیبلاھ لك
ةیحبصلاھ كعم يكحا يدب ام
اسنا يدب
يش تملعت ةیلیلقلاع
( ةلاص )
لاجرع رود مع
ناملأاب ينوسسحب
نلاا يحرطم داھ
عاجش نوك انمتب
يناث يش انمتا انمتب
اشلاب قثوا لا نكل و لیمجلا ب
I wrote the poem while I was working in Düsseldorf performing Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet. I was absolutely over the moon with the idea of playing a traditionally masculine role. I had visions of fame and glory because I knew I would hit the role out of the park (it was an outside performance) and give audience members something to chew on regarding gender roles.
The fame and glory did not happen. Although I am damn proud of my interpretation and performance of the role, I was completely unsupported by the director in my valid questions regarding how to grapple with what Mercurtio says (so misogynistic and utterly violent against a woman) and how to say those words as a woman. The director was not interested in having this conversation with me but took my questions as threats. I raised the issue to the producers, and the producers shoved me away. They choose to see my curiosity and genuine wish to embody the character authentically as a threat to the team-spirit. Bullshit. They prevented me from being interviewed by the press. Rightly so. I was pissed.
After each show, I did have audience members approach me to tell me I was their favorite character. Take that Mr. The-Words-Don’t-Matter-Director.
I find it comical that the poem I wrote during this time led me to a fascinating and enlightening talk about gender roles. If you haven’t heard the podcast, give it a listen. Link at the top!
Psalm for a 1 Night Stand
i tell him:
i am not going home with you
but we start kissing in the park
Germans are very good kissers
their white man sense of entitlement turns into
strength of hand, lip, tongue
i am going to go here now and you are going to LIKE IT
yes…
i am.
the next time i kiss someone
i want to want to.
(selah)
thick dark curly hair
air of soft confidence
weathered maturity
verses the helpless beard
high voice round back weak arms
i want to give you a chiropractic adjustment
my brain works hard to piece this puzzle together:
am i turned on?
am i turned off?
i am turned off.
i don’t like people who know everything
i like not knowing
i am full of not knowing
i want a comrade in curiosity
show me your bruises of being unsure
(selah)
when a man pays 80 Euros for a meal and i go home with him
is that prostitution?
am i repeating
what i had with my husband?
financial dependency
yes…
i need to save my money
i need to have sex
these two needs get met tonight
something.
feels.
off.
(selah)
the sex is robotic
even though we are two new bodies
there is nothing new between us
we are both doing the moves we usually do
not exploring each other
i don’t want to…
i am not interested
i am turned off by the whiteness of it all
i do not want to contact you this morning
i want to forget it
chop it up to a learning experience
(selah)
i seek out men that I feel safe with
not whom I am attracted to
that is where I am now
i wish to be brave
i wish to ask for something different
but i do not trust handsome people
