101 rejected videogame articles

In Hindsight…

I used to publish an irreverent ‘lifestyle’ magazine called Team Evil. This is a little slice of that adapted for the videogame market. ‘Props’ to Hyper for paying me actual money to write the list below (and publishing it). I thought it was a fun antedote to all the po-paced PR bullshit and bearded chin stroking that goes on in the videogames industry… Oh, and if anyone is interested in commissioning any of the articles ideas below drop me a line.

The actual article

1. People who owned Atari 7800s, a photo retrospective
2. Why second hand control pads are a bad idea
3. How fuel efficient is your Gran Turismo car
4. Every Neo Geo RPG ever
5. 10 alternative uses for your 360 faceplates
6. Suda 51 documents his bowel movements
7. So you put a Wiimote through the TV?
8. A beginners guide to Pokemon fan fiction
9. Laura Craft’s breasts over the years
10. NES vs Master System — 8bit sound chip wars
11. Street Fighter martial arts moves — not just for the playground
12. Hair care advice from John Romero
13. Games your grandparents will like
14. 10 amazing Bubsy the Bobcat facts
15. Playing JRPGs in Japanese. A beginners guide
16. Name that King of Fighters character (quiz)
17. How to haggle with the staff at the Cash Converters
18. The best beach volleyball games ever
19. Master California Games’ hacky sack
20. How fuel efficient is your Gran Turismo car
21. What your Modern Warfare kit says about you
22. Angry Birds — a short story
23. Street Fighter 3 videos that aren’t that one with Diago
24. How realistic is Paperboy. We ask a paperboy
25. GTA IV’s best outfits
26. Jeff Minter talks about his favourite bongs
27. Metal Gear Solid and boxes, everything you wanted to know
28. How to make Mega Man more difficult
29. Sonic’s favourite sneakers
30. Feng Shu and your Animal Crossing house
31. How to make your very own Link outfit
32. Which Yoshi is right for you
33. Unplugging your internet connection — when losing isn’t an option
34. Are you a pirate or a ninja?
35. Is auto-fire cheating? An in depth analysis
36. Which Street Fighter movie is the best?
37. Mario Kart and the blue shell — a philosophical question
38. Our all-time favourite promo shots
39. Why your original SNES has gone that weird yellow/green colour
40. Blowing on old cartridges to make them work — the secret revealed
41. How to deal drugs at an arcade
42. The best instruction manuals of all time
43. Solid Snake haikus
44. Is Mario Bros inherently racists (via Italians in the media)
45. 10 real gardening tips from Harvest Moon
46. Johnny-kick-a-hole-in-the-wall, a temper tantrum refresher
47. Getting drunk and buying rubbish on Virtual Console. Common mistakes.
48. Why Mean Machines Sega was better than that Nintendo magazine
49. Stalking Julian Rignall
50. 10 things you didn’t know about the Atari Jaguar CD
51. Why The Amstrad GX4000 was underrated
52. A metaphysical analysis of the Street Fighter fireball
53. Why Hagar would be a pretty crappy city mayor IRL
54. How to open a successful arcade
55. 101 Pac Man jokes
56. The Megadrive’s best baseball games
57. Princess Peach sex stories
58. How to store your old magazines and the miracle of IKEA
59. Not playing games properly (aka, let’s kill all the shop keepers)
60. How to play Stuntman without getting into a violent rage
61. That old 286 PC is still useful
62. What’s Lord British up to these days?
63. Simpsons games worth playing
64. Sonic Team — Better than Ever
65. PAL vs NTSC
66. Which batteries work best with your control pad
67. 10 must-own Gizmondo games
68. Side Talking and the Nokia N-Gage — a retrospective
69. Hentai and Australian customs — everything you need to know
70. A beginners guide to Xbox Live trolling
71. John Madden Football 92. Still the best game ever
72. How to pick up women via Playstation Home
73. Super Smash Bros — not just for girls
74. Delta Goodrem tells us about her favourite DS games
75. How to decipher a press release
76. Breaking review embargos for fun and profit
77. Reviewing games without playing them — tricks of the trade
78. The bounciest breasts in videogames
79. Miyamoto’s garden tips
80. The worst game compilations of all time
81. Ironic handhelds for your train journey
82. Softcore Porn Adventure. As good as ever
83. Mastering Minesweep
84. What to do with your console boxes
85. Flight Sims and beards. Coincidence?
86. Understanding the Mega Man ‘canon’
87. What the hell is wrong with the Koreans?
88. Being a sore loser. An online refresher
89. Ken Kutaragi’s most lucid statements
90. Youtube’s most annoying ‘videogame commentators’
91. 10 original ways to kill your Sim
92. Uwe Boll’s greatest hits
93. Great storylines from the golden age of Shmups
94. Up, Down, Left, Right, A, B, C, Start and other classic cheat modes
95. What’s Alex Kidd doing these days?
96. We rate and review snacks at the local LAN
97. Japanese train driving simulator peripherals, a beginners guide
98. Why your old Megadrive/SNES games look rubbish on HD TV
99. Things to do while installing games
100. Improve your tank rush
101. Videogame inspired cereals. From A to Z.
102. Standing outside an arcade smoking cigarettes, a photo journal