A Guide to Video Game Review clichés
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In Hindsight
There’s this idea in games journalism that you need to ‘complete’ a game before you can pass judgement. This is bullshit. In most instances you can rate and review a game within 2–3 hours of play time. If it’s one of those annual Moto GP updates you can do the same in, like, 30 minutes. So I pity the fools who feel compelled to spend 100 hours on a JRPG before they’re able to write a review. Meanwhile, here’s some insider snark on what those reviewers are actually trying to say.
The article
Being a games journalist isn’t all Singapore Slings, hotel patio bars and overseas press junkets. Sometimes you actually have to write reviews. And because of boring things like ‘word counts’ writers tend to fall back on certain phrases/clichés to keep things rolling along. Here’s a breakdown of what they really, really mean.
Rough around the edges: Barely playable. It’ll crash five times in the first hour.
For fans of the genre: If you absolutely HAVE to play every JRPG/Shooter/Racing game ever you may get something out of this. Everyone else can keep walking.
Immersive: Get really stoned and it’s like, you’re in the game, maaaaan
High production values: A bunch of dudes are going to lose their job when this one doesn’t sell.
Throw the controller at the screen in frustration: I am a child trapped in a grown-up person’s body.
An evolution, not a revolution: It’s exactly the same as the last game but with a new multi-player campaign. Maybe.
White-knuckle ride: I drive like your grandmother in real life.
Killer app: This game doesn’t suck.
A 7/10 review: I hate my life and wish I was dead / doing something meaningful.
Casual fans: If you’re not simple you’ll finish it in an afternoon.
Shigsy: If I ever actual met Shigeru Miyamoto in real life I would run away cowering.
Cinematic: Basically you’re watching a movie and are occasionally required to press a button.
Just like [….]: But not as good as whatever I’m comparing it to so play that instead.
Try before you buy: English is actually my second language / I was dropped on my head as a child.
Triple A: There’s a lot of money/careers riding on this being successful so we’re all required to tow the official line and say it’s brilliant.
Eye candy: Half naked Japanese school girls — or some variation on that theme.
Deserves a place in your collection: But you sure as hell won’t spend more than 5 minutes actually playing it.
Visceral action: I’m a serious writer. Honest.
Family friendly: You don’t get to murder hookers in this one.
Host of flaws: It sucks, okay. I have better things to do then write down all the ways in which is sucks.
Worth a look: Actually it’s not, but I gotta wrap this review up so I can fapp to something (no doubt) disturbing.
Guns blazing: I like guns. I once saw Young Guns. That was a BO$$ movie. Wonder what Emilio Estevez is doing with himself these day?
Wacky: I don’t deserve to be writing for a living.
To be fair: …I’m going to sit on the fence with this one. Buy it. Don’t buy. I could care less.
Under a rock: Where people live. Apparently.
Revolutionary gameplay: It has gameplay.
Button-masher: Put the control pad in the dog’s mouth, go do something else for a bit and when you come back the game will be finished and the control will be broken.
Action-packed: Well there’s some action.
Solid gameplay: I gave up on this after an hour and went and did something more exciting.
Chain together combos: Smash buttons to make your guy murder an entire platoon of innocent bros with kids and families and stuff.
Pick up and play: There’s like one button you just have to press repeatedly and stuff happens.
Realistic physics: You can’t just indefinitely ‘juggle’ a dude in the air with your bullets / fists.
Addictive: I played this longer than the 30 minutes I spend on games I don’t like.
Gritty: 50 cent commits mass genocide to recover a gaudy skull with diamonds in it — which may actually serve as a subtle metaphor for US foreign policy.
