BREAKING: Twitter adds edit button for everyone except you

Looks like you’ll just have to deal with your typos like an adult

Twitter announced today that it was adding a long-requested edit feature to all of its desktop and mobile apps. The feature is expected to go live over the next few days for all of its nearly 400 million users except you.

According to Jack Dorsey, Twitter’s recently-former CEO, “The edit button has long been our most highly requested feature. I always seriously considered adding it for everyone except the person who tagged me every goddamn time they made a typo. Learn to fucking spell, maybe?”

Twitter’s new CEO, Parag Agrawal, is starting off his tenure with a bang, doing just that. He announced this morning via tweet that the platform would finally be adding the long-requested feature. But only for everyone else. You’re just going to have to install Grammarly again, I guess.

Experts have previously warned that an edit feature could be a vector for abuse by bad actors, but Agrawal thinks those concerns are completely overblown, as long as they exclude you.

“We worried that adding an edit button would encourage shameless clout chasers to add SoundCloud links and Cash App usernames to their viral tweets after the fact, ensuring lots of undeserved traffic to those links,” Agrawal explained. “We never want to make changes to Twitter that could enable harmful, abusive, or sponsored content to get any more attention than it deserves. But ultimately, we realized there was really only one person on the planet who would even think to do that, so we just didn’t give the feature to that person.”

Agrawal hopes that with this feature shipped, the company can finally turn its focus to less pressing issues, such as customizable themes, new fonts, and finding a business model that actually captures some of the enormous network value the platform creates.