You’re Starting Video Calls Wrong (And It’s Costing You)
Avoid making this common mistake.
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If you’re anything like me you spend a lot of time on video calls. Talking to your team, meeting new people, catching up with old acquaintances.
But, no matter who you speak with, the same general behavior seems to play out in the first moments of conversation:
“Can you hear me?”
“Can you see me?”
“One moment please”
Bad start. It’s just not how we, as humans, usually build relationships with others. This is even more potent if you haven't spoken to that person before. First impressions matter.
Imagine if you were to meet someone in a coffee shop and the first thing you said was “Can you hear me?”. It sounds ridiculous in that context. Is that really the basis upon which you’re going to seize the moment and build a flourishing new relationship?
Sometimes I get the impression people say “Can you hear me?” straight away because it’s become a kind of universal conversation starter (if you feel charitable enough to grant it that status).
Other times it’s a fear of technical issues. But, here’s the thing, you don’t need to ask that question directly. You can just start talking about whatever it is you want to. If the other person can’t hear you, they will let you know. Asking the question by default can give the impression of incompetence.
The question “How are you?” isn’t much better. Everyone expects it and is programmed to react in a certain way. No one wants to say the truth so the back and forth this creates is predictable and no real value comes of it:
“How are you?”
“I’m fine, thanks. You?”
“Very well, thank you.”
“Great.”
This follows onto further programmed talk about the weather or timezone differences, etc:
“What’s the time there?”
“About 9pm.”
“So you’re just finishing up your day?”
“Yup.”
*yawns*
Again, no real value for either side.
It’s kind of like listening to a podcast with a commercial at the beginning. You just tolerate it for the content that follows. Probably because it feels “safe” and is the least effortful path to take.
Also, a programmed exchange has a kind of universally accepted point for pivoting into the core part of the conversation (the real reason you’re talking in the first place).
Going off-script creates a fear the dialogue will go into the depths of an unrelated topic that’s difficult to intuitively pivot into the core part of the conversation.
Of course, a minority of folks just cut right to the chase. Just a “Hello” and straight into the “who, what, why, and when.”
I think that’s partly because they have no patience for the boring programmed version. I don’t blame them.
Am I advocating that we ditch small talk as a society at the start of video calls? Absolutely not.
It’s a significant component in building relationships. Particularly in a virtual context where nuanced, idiosyncratic, and serendipitous moments are absent (unlike in the real world). That lack of physical presence is hard to replace.
Instead, I’m advocating that you level up your small talk game. Turn a boring programmed exchange into a conversation that drives value for both sides— whether that’s on a personal, business, or another level.
You’ve got someone’s undivided attention for a short period of time. Maybe never again. You have to sit through the small talk regardless, so you may as well make the most of every second.
It may surprise you what value can be built from connecting with someone much better on a personal level in those first few moments.
Plus, the beginning of a video call has a material impact on the remainder of it. Leading into the core section of the conversation will go a lot better if the person you’re talking to is primed and pumped from a really engaging small talk session beforehand.
I started thinking about this recently and have since experimented with a new approach. My objective was to level up my video call small talk from a programmed exchange to an engaging back and forth session. The first few words matter, it sets the tone and direction of the small talk, so I focussed on that particularly.
After some experimentation, it worked. I built much better connections, particularly from people I had never spoken to before, and the resulting conversations were much more energized and engaging.
By going in with a much more engaging mindset my callers generally responded reciprocally so it became a two-way flow. You get out what you put in kind of situation.
Next, my approach.
Level up your small talk
The key to driving an engaging small talk session involves a little bit of preparation before the call.
You should already know a few basic facts about the person you’re going to speak too, otherwise, you wouldn’t be talking to them. Doing a little further research in a non-creepy way can be very helpful.
Check LinkedIn for posts or updates. YouTube for presentations. Articles or blog posts they or their company have featured in or written. Maybe they have a newsletter. All that kind of professional stuff. Try and find something that is of personal interest to you, too.
The idea is to find a common ground and arm yourself with a talking point you can utilize to progress into a value-creating small talk session. If the talking point is more professional in nature it’s also easier to transition into the core part of the conversation, but, it doesn’t have to be.
With this preparation, you can utilize three approaches from the outset of the call to kickstart an engaging two-way talk.
1. Ask real questions. I generally find that asking questions is a great way to get a conversation going. A Harvard study backs this up, too.
That doesn’t mean “How are you?” or anything vague like that. It means asking “real” questions about the other person using the research you previously conducted and following up on their answers with more questions.
Your questions really need to be sincere, too. As in, you genuinely want to know the answers. That’s why choosing a subject you are interested in is important. You’re naturally curious to ask more questions and will have a better framework of understanding to which follow up questions will automatically flow from.
If you get stuck on question subject matter, try not to panic and default back to “How are you?”. Instead, ask about what their role is. What they are working on. A “tell me about yourself” kind of approach.
2. Share something of value. This can go down really well if you have the right material but is probably the hardest to execute.
Sharing a tip or insight that is helpful to the other person is a fantastic way to begin a conversation. Maybe it’s specific to the broader industry you both work in, or maybe it’s more of a personal work hack. Either can do well.
As an example, maybe your company just conducted a study and you have some unique insights.
Sharing something of value doesn’t have to be an insight or tip either. A short funny story can also work really well. That totally qualifies. But, it should, of course, tie in intuitively with your intended conversation subject matter.
3. Make an observation. This is the easiest of the three. It’s often used in a loose way to try and establish a connection — “I noticed you went to Oxford, so did I”.
In that context the conversation often dies quickly. Well, unless you both had the same professor or something else specific in common to discuss. In other words, don’t attempt to establish a common-ground with something that’s too broad.
So, better to be specific. For example, sometimes I will mention that I read an article or watched a presentation the person I’m speaking to created, with an observation about it included. That quickly triggers a healthy back and forth about that subject matter.
There’s a limitless amount of things to make an observation about. A recent press release, white paper, launch, product, feature, new hire, new deal, etc.
If that proves fruitless, you should be able to make an observation about the product or service offered by the company they work for. Lots of choices.
Seize the moment.
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