I Refuse to Date an Apolitical Man
CW: sexual violence, rape, gender-based violence
Vetting men for veracity on dating apps requires the computational skills of a mathematician and detective work of an Interpol agent. I have, over time and along with countless lady friends attempting to navigate the apps, identified recognizable patterns of deceit in the profiles. If he says he’s 6', he’s actually 5'10"; if he says he’s 5'10", he’s actually 5'8". If he’s wearing a beanie in all six profile pictures, he’s hatfishing (hiding his baldness with headwear), and if he says he’s an entrepreneur, he’s an unemployed graphic designer who lives with his parents.
Not all profiles demand such vigorous screening; some make themselves eliminable by proclaiming their values up front. NO FATTIES. NO LIBS. MUST LOVE JESUS. I can appreciate the shrieking transparency of Conservative Christian and MAGA folks’ profiles, the relief of an unambiguous left swipe. There is a simplistic mutuality: I don’t want them, and they certainly don’t want my snowflake ass.
I’ve been swiping intermittently for 10+ years, and in that time have become adept at decoding profiles, sniffing out the liars and the Trumpers like a goddamn drug dog. There already exists baseline safety concerns for women who are dating (a 2023 report from Pew Research Center stated that 57% of women surveyed do not believe dating sites are a safe way to meet people), and the increased need for scrutiny in the era of MAGA men has made women bitter and paranoid. Not to mention averse to meeting IRL; I personally haven’t dated since Roe was repealed.
There’s a couple of adjacent factors — post-pandemic trepidation, moving to a new city that skews older and more married — but neither of these things, and not even the presence of the MAGA profiles, are responsible for my complete disengagement with dating. That reticence can be attributed to the slow emergence of a new kind of man, killer of lady boners near and far: The Apolitical.
The Apolitical doesn’t pay attention to politics because he doesn’t have to
No one is threatening his reproductive rights, limiting his opportunities for leadership, paying him less, or murdering his gender in high numbers — of all femicides that occur in high-income countries, 70% occur in the U.S. The Apolitical man says that all politicians are “the same,” and compares the political stage to a football game, only tuning in for the entertainment. Neither team is great, but you watch for the drama.
When you try to incite a conversation about the Middle East or Ukraine with an Apolitical man, he refers to the ongoing wars as “bad stuff” happening “out there.” He isn’t 100% sure that Representative Todd Akin— who claimed women’s bodies could differentiate the sperm of a rapist and block impregnation — is wrong, and he’ll refer to Hillary Clinton as “The Bitch” to bond with his Republican dad. One Apolitical man told me that, though he wasn’t really bothered by either candidate, he did have concerns Joe Biden is not masculine enough to win a future WW3.
The Apolitical doesn’t seem to have much of a stance on anything aside from where to get the best tacos in town. He admits to you that he would be embarrassed if his family found out he identified as a feminist. He has to ask you a few times to define the word misogyny, because he often confuses it with the other, similar-sounding word, androgyny.
He is the type of guy who, without fail, will resist considering his privilege as a male in America, with the comeback that he WORKED HARD for everything he has, and GREW UP REALLY POOR and ALMOST HAD TO DROP OUT OF COLLEGE. When you explain that privilege is innate and has nothing to do with merit or hard work, he’ll get even more pissed off because he has begun to understand, and the cognitive dissonance will frustrate him.
Some of us don’t have the privilege of ignoring politics
If you are a person with a uterus or a disability, a person who is brown or queer, you do not have the privilege of ignoring the headlines, and may in fact have developed hypervigilance, refreshing news sites to assure yourself that no new harms to your community have been drawn up, at least not in the past ten minutes, by male politicians. What marginalized people usually have in common is that persons with penises are making decisions for them, restricting them from leadership, and in some cases outright killing them. BMJ gives the haunting fucking statistic that “women in the US are more likely to be murdered during pregnancy or soon after childbirth than to die from the three leading obstetric causes of maternal death (high blood pressure disorders, hemorrhage, or sepsis).”
Apolitical men whine that politics is boring; a ten-year-old girl raped by a 27-year-old man and denied abortion just doesn’t hold an Apolitical’s attention like fantasy football. Denouncing acts of violence against women but remaining passive is not enough; we need men to act, to step up and stand up for all women, especially the women who are punished for speaking up about harassment and oppression.
Monica Lewinsky, who engaged in consensual oral sex with then President Bill Clinton in the 1990’s was slut-shamed, blackballed from work for years, and struggled with suicidal thoughts; a Fox News survey polled the general public to determine whether Lewinsky was a “young tramp looking for thrills,” and 54% agreed. The media focused less on Clinton’s infidelity and unprofessionalism than it did on Lewinsky’s thong. Years later, in 2018, Christine Blasey-Ford publicly accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of rape and was called a lying whore. She received death threats and had to move FOUR times due to ongoing harassment.
After speaking up about women’s right to education in 2012, 15-year-old Malala Yousafzai was shot in the head by a gunman from the Taliban. More recently, female activists in Iran have been jailed, beaten, raped and murdered by police. Sexual violence is commonly weaponized during conflict as a tactic against the opposition: Israeli women taken hostage by Hamas were raped so brutally that medical examiners noted their pelvises had been broken.
If I am going to choose a man as a sexual partner, a verbal confirmation that he knows consent is good and rape is bad isn’t enough; I need to know, indubitably, that he’s got dogs in my fight, that he unflinchingly supports abortion — at the very least, supports my personal choice to have one — and will stand next to me at the protests, holding my sign when I get tired. I need to know that he knows that consent is not a one and done, that it should be offered consistently and unconditionally throughout a relationship, and that a “yes” can sometimes become a “no” and vice versa. I need him to monitor his language: how often is he using phrases like “man up” and “grow some balls” and “don’t be a pussy?” How often does he refer to ex-girlfriends or wives as “crazy bitches” or “psychos?”
Don’t be lazy or cruel
It is malignantly cocky for anyone to assert that politics don’t affect them. Believing oneself to be exempt from partaking tells me that they are either cruel or lazy. That they are either in agreement with the continued systemic oppression of women, or care so little about my rights that complacency in the oppression doesn’t bother them. I need a man who decisively cares. Who will explain to his deadbeat brothers why it’s important to vote. Who will raise his hand in class when the professor asks who identifies as feminist. Who will tell the guy in the crowd who criticizes a woman for breastfeeding to stop fucking sexualizing her.
I need a guy who will do better. So, Apoliticals: do better.
Resources to help you stand up
If you are a dude or know a dude who could benefit from these resources, or if you are simply someone who would like to increase their awareness and participation, I encourage you to check out the following links:
- Are you a handsome hunk who wants to use your charm to educate neighbors about upcoming candidates and policies that may negatively affect women? Volunteer to knock on some door with Vote Save America!
- Got twenty-ish minutes every day to listen to a round-up of the most pertinent news headlines? Check out the podcast I always start my morning with, Crooked Media’s What A Day! Also a nightly newsletter.
- Looking for a deeper dive about the upcoming presidential election? And also to get acquainted with my four podcasting crushes Jon Favreau, Jon Lovett, Tommy Vietor, and Dan Pfeiffer? Crooked Media’s Pod Save America is for you!
- Worried about knocking your lady up and wanting to take some accountability for fertilization? Get a vasectomy, brother!
- Take out your wallets and make a recurring donation to Planned Parenthood, Reproductive Freedom for All, or The National Network of Abortion Funds. To support international efforts to advance sexual and reproductive health, send a few coins to Fos Feminista.
- Keep your wallets out, and give some money to National Bail Out, an organization that uses donations to “…bail out as many Black Mamas and caregivers as we can so they can spend Mother’s Day with their families where they belong.”
- Follow Jessica Valenti, a rad abortion activist and feminist, on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or read one of her books, to keep yourself educated on legislation affecting abortion.
- Not wanting to do much of anything aside from browse Medium? Follow me on this space for all of my upcoming feminist rants!
For more stories about gender justice, follow Fourth Wave. Have you got a story or poem that focuses on women or other challenged groups? Submit to the Wave!
