ERASE THIS PHRASE
Begone “It Is What It Is!”
The unacceptable is unacceptable!
It’s not just the under-resourced population that overly-utters the capitulation, “It is what it is.” But why must we concede to always accepting the seemingly impossible? Yes, a certain amount of acceptance of the inevitable is probably healthy, but…
My work with families experiencing homelessness gives me plenty of opportunities to hear that phrase. These (mostly) moms juggle their daily realities of too many challenges and too few resources all the time. And they get crushed in the process. It is what it is…
Some perspective. Most often, moms are the ones responsible for their kids when something goes awry in their marriage, partnership, or other willing/unwilling relationship with the sperm donor. That’s when the going gets tough, and for too many, support is nil. It is what it is…
In addition to obvious obstacles to stability and familial bliss, like enough money for housing and food, these moms get crushed like bugs on the windshield in other insidious ways. Let me illustrate with recent examples from our #3Melissas.
Melissa A, hustling to do her delivery gig so she can make rent money, pulled into a shopping center parking lot, grabbed her phone, and unbuckled her seatbelt. A cop spotted her and pulled her over in the private parking lot, ticketing this Black mother for driving without a seatbelt. $160 fine. Her version, which I believe, is she had the seatbelt on until she got into the lot where she was racing to load up and make her next delivery. “You can’t get a ticket in a private parking lot,” you may be thinking. To fight it would mean losing even more income that keeps her family housed. It is what it is…
Melissa N, a mom and grandma, grapples with constant economic shortfalls, with a dose of menopause on top. What? Moms in poverty get menopause? Here’s MN’s take on this:
“It’s as if life gets to have another go at you like it didn’t already try to break you in every way. Perimenopause and Menopause is NO joke. It drags you through years of hell all while we are forced to believe that there is something fundamentally WRONG with us. No one wants to talk about this and how concurrent mental health issues only exacerbate it. Just another reason why WE should practice compassion over judgment and education over criticism.”
— MelissaN’s Facebook message she shared with me
Do moms get slack when so afflicted? Or must they maintain the stoic demeanor conveying all’s well in their turmoiled world? It is what it is…
Melissa T, like every good mom, provided her daughter with internet access, until her provider, EarthLink, evidently had tech issues that tossed this family back to the pre-internet age. The simple solution, ditch EarthLink and find another provider, proved impossible. She had to call EarthLink on her “Obama” phone (a government-provided phone with extremely limited minutes) and endure endless excruciating hold “music” while getting bounced around and disconnected, unable to cancel her service. She finally turned to me for help. I needed to turn into Diane-Dragon to (hopefully) resolve this needless issue. Refund pending. It is what it is…
These Melissas all uttered “it is what it is,” to me as they shared their woes. But why does it have to be what is?
They’re not the only moms navigating the “what is” dilemmas. In Virginia, where I recently spoke to communities in the Charlottesville area, NO EMERGENCY SHELTERS FOR FAMILIES operate. None. Zip. If you’re a family that lost housing, you’re out of luck. This is sadly common nationwide. Check your community.
In the Fredericksburg, VA area, school district homeless liaison Cynthia Lucero-Chavez, describes an alarming trend:
“…one of our hotels on [U.S.] 17 is not allowing microwaves anymore…So, the families living there are now without any capacity to prepare any sort of nutritious meal for their children. How will they manage to prepare food without the ability to cook? That’s today’s crisis.” — The Advance, 12/5/24
What is dismazing, I’d suggest, is how many people, including legislators (and voters), don’t know that family homelessness exists. My friend and extraordinary advocate Joe Willard recently posted this map and a short anecdote about a chagrined legislator.
“I remember a meeting we had from a ‘moderate’ Republican House member who was a long-time supporter of expanding Early Intervention and who seemed to understand the developmental needs of young children.
“We shared with him a map similar to above and he almost choked, saying ‘where are these kids?’ A shelter administrator who accompanied us said ‘you know that building down the street from your office, that is my shelter.’
— Substack, 12/3/24
Let me defiantly suggest we don’t need to accept “it is what it is”
Can you answer these questions?
- Why do we (the big “We”) only toss the equivalent of a 10’ ladder to mothers and their kids who’ve fallen into a 20’ hole?
- Why do we expect the most from those who have the least and then penalize them for human frailty?
- Why do we make it impossible for families to attain and maintain the basics of existence — shelter, food, medical care, education, childcare, etc. — and wonder why their families struggle to meet our “standards”?
Super Powered Moms to the Rescue!
These amazing 3 Melissas have done what no other parents who’ve experienced homelessness have done (to the best of my knowledge). They contributed their collective wisdom to a survival handbook for parents experiencing homelessness. The Three Melissas — The Practical Guide to Surviving Family Homelessness, a handy little blue paperback, should be presented to families when they find themselves in this perilous situation. And those working with homeless families would do well to grab a copy and…gasp!…read it!
For a culinary perspective on poverty, may I suggest a new book, Humble Pie, by my friend Pat LaMarche. Of all the books about poverty and homelessness I’ve read, Pat offers a succulent platter of poverty knowledge wrapped in recipes from frugal moms and famous chefs.
You’ll be served a heaping dose of reality as moms share their plights and procedures for scraping together ingredients to keep their little kids’ tummies from growling.
Proceeds from her book, as well as our 3Melissas book, get channeled back to help those we’re championing. It is what should be…
When we have to create survival guides for moms and kids who lose housing, we have accepted the unacceptable on behalf of struggling families for way too long. Picture yourself in that 20’ hole surrounded by your sobbing little kids. What would you be thinking?
“It is what it is,” needs to be excised.
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