SATIRE
Congressional House Leaders Submit to DEI Training!
My take on how Republicans’ DEI training went
Gentlemen, gentlemen order, please. We got problems. Ya’ll saying shit that brands us as racist, sexist, and worse.
Uhhh, Mike there’s women here!
Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice!
Anyway, the stuff coming out of ya’lls mouths’ll make it difficult for us to win this November. And you know who you are. Now, I’m not saying ya’ll should change your sheets. I am saying don’t wear them in public. Ya’ll sounding like you at the frat house. And not the House of Representatives. And you know we can’t afford for the country to think we’re any more misogynistic, racist, sexist, and homophobic than we are.
But, a third of the country like it. That’s what they want to hear. Their our base!
Ugh, can you count? You do know a third is less than 51% right? And neither is enough to carry the Electoral College.
Just cause you got the best of Ryan does not mean that Ohio won’t flip for a Black woman.
Who are you talking about? I thought we were running against a “colored gal.”
No, Eli! See, that’s what I mean. Negroes haven’t been colored for thirty or forty years. Where’ve you been?
I call ‘em what we call ‘em back home.
Well, you ain’t back home. You’re in Congress. And we’ve got races to win.
But Matt calls her worse.
Matt’s got his own problems with women. So, Matt, can’t say a word. Ever!
But Donald says what he wants.
You ain’t Donald. And until you clear that subpoena, shut up!
DEI Trainer: Look, ya’ll can’t call her colored! You can’t talk like you don’t know how to pronounce her name. It’s culturally insensitive. You can’t make it seem like the only reason we think she’s dumb is because she’s a woman. And you can’t call her a DEI hire. It labels you. And you’ll lose votes, like the Speaker said.
Who are you?
Your trainer! And you can’t make it look like you’re calling her culture, gender, and skin color into question. It makes people uncomfortable. And not like you.
That was Harriet. Not me. Besides why I should care why?
We know J.D. No, you didn’t call her a DEI hire. You compared women to cats! Saying that because they’re childless they have no right to a voice in the country.
Well, they don’t!
Shut up J.D.! I’m still trying to figure out why you’re here. You folks from Appalachia give White people a bad name.
Well, I went to Yale! Where’d you go? A community college!
And Grothman, why are you saying she’s just a nominee “because of her ethnic background.” To CNN! What the…! And Burchett, you posted on Twitter she’s a “DEI vice president.” Come on ya’ll. Ya’ll killin’ us.
I think it’s called “X” chief!
Whatever, ya’ll “need to keep your mouths shut and just worry about your own district’s race.”
DEI Trainer: Exactly, Representative Joyce. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have our work cut out for us.
Who is she, again? Where did she come from?
I’m your DEI trainer (deep breath). The Speaker hired me to help you not let your attitudes and words get in the way of getting reelected. To help your party make voters believe that you are not against “people of color” and women.
But we’re not. As long as they stay in their place, we’re all good. By the way, they got their leaders, Barry and Mike! (laughter breaks out). Will Smith, that actor that slapped that other guy at the Oscars. Yea, that shit was funny. And what about that Snoop guy. The druggie doing Martha!
They got Kareem! And that Beyoncé! She’s tryin’ to be one of us now!
And Oprah, don’t forget about her.
That’s Hakeem.
Whatever! Yeah, they can do what they want in this country. And that’s the problem. That’s what we gonna fix!
Shut up J.D.
But that’s what Donald says.
That’s Donald! We just need to make sure he wins. Not listen to him!
DEI Trainer: (sigh) Are you ready to work?
Huh, you still here? We don’t believe in this DEI crap!
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