How I Support Friends Experiencing Domestic Abuse
The things that help and the things that hinder
It’s gut-wrenching when you find out that a woman you love is being abused by their spouse or partner. You might be confused about how best to help or worried that you might say or do the wrong thing.
It’s not my place to tell the stories of the women I’ve helped and doing so would be unsafe. Instead, I’m going to share what I’ve learned from supporting them.
All of the tips offered below are based on the advice of professionals and organizations that specialize in helping abused women. I explain why they’re useful, but also how I struggled and occasionally failed to follow them.
What is domestic abuse?
Physical violence is probably the first thing that comes to mind when we think of abuse perpetrated by a spouse or partner. However, domestic abuse can include the following:
- Physical abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Emotional or psychological abuse
- Financial or economic abuse
- Coercive control (intimidation, isolation, humiliation, and threats to maintain control)
Any woman, regardless of age or background, can experience domestic abuse. In her book, See What You Made Me Do, Jess Hill states: “In all reputable studies of domestic abuse victims — and there have been thousands — not one researcher has been able to find a ‘victim type.’” However, women are sometimes unsure whether their relationship meets the criteria of abuse.
Abusive relationships are characterized by the dynamics of power and control. They involve the abuser employing a variety of tactics, some more subtle than others, in a coordinated and sustained manner to gain and maintain control over their partner. The power and control wheel is a helpful tool for understanding the weapons and strategies at an abuser’s disposal.
The wheel also reminds us of the cyclical nature of abuse. There are periods of escalation and intense abuse, followed by reconciliation and relatively calm periods. The cycle then starts over and generally becomes more intense with each repetition.
Lessons I’ve learned
1. Listen more and don’t criticize
When a woman is opening up to you about her relationship, jumping in and advising her on what to do can be tempting. However, it’s important that you’re patient and allow her to reveal the details of her domestic situation in her own time.
I used to struggle with this. I had all sorts of questions I wanted answers to, such as “Why didn’t you report him to the police after he hit you?” At times, I probably sounded like a detective interrogating a suspect. Inevitably this would make my friend uncomfortable, clam up, and decide to end the conversation.
Women experiencing domestic abuse carry a heavy burden of shame. Statements such as “I can’t believe you put up with him for so long!” can sound (albeit unintentionally) as if you think that she’s allowing herself to be abused. This intensifies the shame she already feels for being in a relationship with an abuser.
Instead, the British domestic abuse organization Refuge suggests that friends or relatives “focus on supporting her and building up her confidence — acknowledge her strengths and remind her that she is coping well in a challenging and stressful situation.”
2. Help her access more support
It’s natural for you to want to do as much as possible to help your loved one. But it’s important to be honest about how much support you can genuinely offer. Don’t make promises that you know you can’t keep. You’ll only cause disappointment, hurt, and feelings of abandonment.
Suggest that she keeps a log of the abuse and stores it where her partner can’t access it. This will give clarity on the patterns and cycles of the abuse. It’ll be particularly useful if her partner is gaslighting her. Referring to the log will reassure her that she “isn’t going crazy” and that she understands her reality.
Recommend organizations (see below) that provide information and resources to women suffering from domestic abuse. Professionals can provide legal advice and psychological support, as well as create a safety plan in case of emergencies.
Don’t be disappointed if your loved one doesn’t immediately seek professional help. Hopefully, she will in time.
But if you do find yourself, as I did twice, struggling with the demands of being your loved one’s only confidante and source of support, then gently remind her that she would benefit from widening her support network.
3. Educate yourself but don’t act as her teacher
I’ve read a lot about domestic abuse and I recommend that you read the advice of experts too. When a woman is starting to make sense of her abusive relationship and is recognizing her partner’s behavior as disrespectful, controlling, threatening and so forth, it’s reassuring when she hears you validating her experiences.
My friends often praised me for having a solid understanding of the complicated nature of their relationships. But there were several occasions when I felt they weren’t interpreting an aspect of their partner’s behavior in line with what I had read about abusers or were making excuses for their partner. So, I would tell my friends that they didn’t understand the dynamics of abuse and I would make references to the literature on domestic abuse.
Sometimes, my friends welcomed my insights. But other times, they felt stupid and ashamed. I always apologized in these instances. The last thing I wanted to do was to make them feel the way their partner did.
Lundy Bancroft specializes in domestic abuse and worked for the first counseling program for abusive men in the US. In his book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, he states: “If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.”
Abusers exert their control by telling their partner what to think, what to wear, how to behave, who they can interact with and so on. Therefore, you can’t insist that she follows any of your recommendations.
“If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.”
It’s important to respect a woman’s autonomy and her decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. The National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US states: “Remember that abuse is about power and control, and making decisions for them can only add to the disempowerment they’re already experiencing from their partners.”
However, if you strongly believe that her life or those of her children are in imminent danger, then you should call the police.
I’ll admit that I’ve been disappointed and frustrated when a friend has said that they want to try couples therapy (which is only suitable for couples in non-abusive relationships) or that she has to stay with her abusive partner because “it’s best for the children.”
It’s important to respect a woman’s autonomy and her decisions, even if you don’t agree with them.
I’ve wanted to walk away and say that I can’t be around to watch their lives be destroyed further. Luckily, I held my tongue in these moments of exasperation and didn’t abandon my friends.
Isolation enables abuse to thrive. Lundy Bancroft urges friends and family to: “Connect, connect, connect. Be there, be there, be there. Helping the abused woman overcome isolation is the most valuable contribution you can make.”
4. Be patient when she tries to leave her abuser
When a friend first tells you that she wants to leave her abusive partner, you’ll be extremely relieved and begin to look forward to her regaining her life.
While many women successfully leave abusive relationships, leaving is a risky undertaking. In the UK, the Femicide Census examined the deaths of women who were known to have been attempting to leave or had left their abusive partner.
Between 2009 and 2018, 38% of these women were killed by their partner within one month of leaving or announcing their intention to leave. 89% of the total women who were murdered were killed within one year. The remaining 11% were killed after 12 months.
Even if a woman is working with professionals to develop a plan to safely leave her abusive partner, she might hesitate and decide to stop. Refrain from getting annoyed. I know, it’s hard. But you can’t pressure her into sticking to a particular timetable.
When a friend hesitated or backtracked on her decision to leave her abusive partner, I thought that I had failed in my efforts. Lundy Bancroft, however, argues that: “a better measure of success for a person helping is how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life . . . and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety.”
5. Recovery requires support too
After a woman has left an abuser, the scars of her trauma need time to heal. Therapy and other forms of professional support will be paramount. If she has children, then they will also be traumatized and will require support, especially if their abusive parent remains in contact.
It is important to remain steadfast in your support. Recovery is not linear and there will be many ups and downs.
I became especially worried when one of my friends started a new relationship with a man who was showing subtle warning signs of being an abuser.
Barbara McLean’s concept of pink flags is useful here. Pink flags are microaggressions in the early stages of a relationship. Mclean states: “These actions could be seen as minor actions but they can be a sign of a much bigger problem to come. These warning signs are not big, glaring RED FLAGS, they’re smaller, lighter, PINK FLAGS.”
I pointed out the pink flags and encouraged my friend to consider whether she was in a healthy relationship. My friend didn’t take my advice and I had to sit back while she suffered mistreatment. Luckily, she left her boyfriend before any abuse occurred. Just as we can’t rescue our loved one from an abusive relationship, we also can’t act as her protector from future harm.
6. Get support for yourself
Supporting a woman experiencing domestic abuse is a long and challenging process. I’ve often found myself overwhelmed by the situation, depressed by the agonizing pain my friends have experienced, frustrated by a lack of progress, and mentally exhausted from providing support.
If you find yourself struggling too, it’s crucial to talk to someone you can trust. Open up about the anger you feel toward the abuser and other feelings you are experiencing.
Spend time looking after yourself, in whatever way is healthy and rejuvenating. Remember what they say on flights: “Before you assist others, always put your oxygen mask on first.”
Final thoughts
Supporting a woman experiencing domestic abuse requires empathy, tact, patience, and compassion. It involves listening without criticism, choosing your words carefully, abandoning the notion that you can rescue her, and respecting her decisions even if you disagree.
It’s a tough process, but with professional help and your unwavering support, your loved one can recover control of her life and begin to heal.
Help Lines
Australia
National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service Help Line: 1800–737–732
https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Canada
Shelter Safe Provincial and Territorial Help Lines:
https://sheltersafe.ca/find-help/
New Zealand
Women’s Refuge Crisis Line: 0800–REFUGE or 0800–733–843
https://womensrefuge.org.nz/
UK
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 0808–2000–247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
USA:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1–800–799 SAFE or 1–800–799–7233
https://www.thehotline.org/
If you’ve supported a friend or relative who has experienced domestic abuse, what advice or tips would you share with others? Let me know in the comments.
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