LEARNING FROM THE BEST
“The Thing” About Family Homelessness I’ve Learned
What the Three Melissas can teach you
I just finished reviewing my video clips of interviews with three women named Melissa that I’ve known for many years. They’re the women behind our book, The Three Melissas — The Practical Guide to Surviving Family Homelessness coming out in September.
Those not personally acquainted with moms who have experienced homelessness probably don’t know about “the thing.” It’s common to chalk up their homelessness up to something like eviction, job loss, divorce, or to criticize the moms’ lifestyle “choices.”
Actually, the moms are partially to blame for our collective ignorance. For good reasons.
If you get into a conversation beyond pleasantries, where the mother trusts you, you may learn about “the thing.” Things, actually.
Thing One
Moms are deathly afraid their kids are going to be yanked away and shoved into our dysfunctional foster care system, something that happens too often when it shouldn’t. Splitting up a family when a little support could have kept the family together is a steep price to pay, and has lifelong impacts.
Even governors are being encouraged to establish alternatives to unnecessarily involving families with the child welfare system. (Some governors have a long way to go before getting to the acceptable point on welfare reform.)
“Family housing instability can both lead to, and prolong, involvement with the child welfare system, a process that can be both expensive to the state and traumatic for the child. Governors have addressed this intersection by developing solutions exclusively to meet the needs of these families.”
— National Governors Association child welfare policy brief
Thing Two
You may hear, as I’ve been trusted enough to be privy to, the real reasons behind the homelessness. Yes, surface reasons matter, and those are usually multiple. My Other Stuff chart gives an idea of what lurks below the surface of family homelessness. However, underneath all that, because moms often endure years of physical, mental, and sexual abuse, they’re broken and broke. And they feel the shame of being “the worst, most irresponsible person on the planet.” — Terri, formerly homeless mom, in my video Caring Schools Make the Difference.
Both “things” involve trauma
Let’s not water down the meaning of trauma, a serious psychological injury. The word “trauma” gets tossed around enough to make it seem like we’re all the same in the trauma boat. We’re not. Some of us have experienced traumas with a small “t,” the kind that seemed bad to us but are lightyears from the capital “T” level.
Trauma lingers in my head after listening to my interviews with these three courageous Melissas. They’ve all had more than their share of TRAUMA. They’re not whiners, so they don’t focus on their pain. They’re concerned about their children. They’ve done, and continue to do, the best they can with what little help they’ve received.
About trauma
I’m not equipped to explain trauma in a way that will do it justice. I’ll leave it to my favorite trauma expert. Dr. Gabor Maté, has written several books, including my favorite, The Myth of Normal.
The thing about trauma is that it’s debilitating, in different ways for different people. It’s like a serious internal injury that you try to ignore, but can’t. And it comes back to haunt you when you’re hurting the most, and it doesn’t let up. But to these three Melissas, and countless other moms (and dads, and individuals, too), trauma takes a back seat because they have their kids to care for, which is infinitely harder in homelessness.
Trauma causes/inflames physical health issues
Chronic pain and illnesses are common side effects. To make things worse, our health care “system” works hard to exclude poor people, like this legislative action in Georgia that imposes impossible barriers on their Medicaid program. All three of the Melissas would have trouble getting medical care in Georgia for the following reasons . . .
“Cuello noted the program makes no exceptions for people who are caring for children or other family, lack transportation, suffer from drug addiction or face a myriad other barriers to employment. Then there are people with informal jobs that make documenting their hours impossible.”
So, when these Melissas share their stories and their hard-earned wisdom for our new book, I can’t help but be in absolute awe that they’re willing and able to take this on in addition to caring for their kids.
All three families are still on the edge of homelessness. But they’re willing to reach out and participate in this unprecedented book project (how many handbooks on surviving family homelessness have you seen?). Why? Because they don’t want others to suffer.
National book launch with the 3 Melissas
We — the 3 Melissas, my co-author Diana Bowman, and I — are launching the book from Raleigh, NC, Sept. 17–18, holding multiple events for a variety of audiences:
- School district homeless liaisons from across the state will get a chance to listen to and learn from these moms whose kids have benefitted by the federal McKinney-Vento law that removes barriers to education.
- Parents experiencing homelessness will get to meet-and-greet the Three Melissas, and receive a free copy of this new guide.
- Community members, university students, agency personnel and hopefully legislators curious about family homelessness will listen and learn a heap about the rapidly increasing numbers of housing insecure and homeless families in Wake County (and beyond).
Those of us who’ve seen this book know what a powerhouse of information it will be for a variety of readers:
- Parents experiencing homelessness — Who gets tips when becoming homeless? Now they can. We’re giving away free copies of the book to homeless parents.
- Compassionate people taking in a family (doubling up) — When good intentions aren’t enough, this book has invaluable tips on how to navigate this challenge.
- Homeless liaisons in school districts — Maybe you know about family homelessness. Always something to learn for the newbies and old pros, and administrators of these programs.
- Those training to work with struggling families — Having a direct perspective gives essential insights. For those studying health care, education, social work, psychology and more.
- Elected officials and government workers — Most really don’t know about the intricacies of family homelessness, so this little handbook is a wealth of information.
- The general public — since the soaring issue of family homelessness hits closer to home, it’s good to know more about it.
Want to know more about family homelessness? My HEAR US website has videos, books and information.
For more stories about parenting while poor, follow Fourth Wave. Have you got a story or poem that focuses on women or other disempowered groups? Submit to the Wave!
