FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS
Through Thick and Thin
The resilience of female friendships
Many women feel collecting acquaintances will make up for not having a deep friendship with a female friend. To them I ask, “Would they visit you in jail or would they sit with you in a jail cell?”
Females share a closeness that male friends don’t. Don’t call me a sexist. It’s a fact that our friendships are deeper because of our shared female experience — the diverse and unique challenges that shape women’s lives.
While men talk about sports, work, and money, women are forging deep friendships through what comes naturally to them — listening and propping each other up. These deep relationships help with life decisions and boost both our confidence and energy levels.
Females share a closeness that male friends don’t
A study done at UCLA in 2018 found that women’s stress levels are reduced through the release of oxytocin (a hormone that promotes positive feelings) when we are with our female friends.
Our friendships are honed through countless hours of conversation. Men may never understand how women can chat for hours and still have more to say, but that’s part of the magic of our gender.
My best friend
I have a dear friend I’ll call “Laurel.” We’ve been friends since we were neighbors in a large planned community and married to our first husbands — a lifetime ago. Initially, our dogs brought us together. She had a beautiful black lab named Magic, and my mutt was Poppy.
At first, we weren’t more than “nod and wave” neighbors until she suggested we walk the dogs together on the trail surrounding our neighborhood. As dog lovers who’d do anything for our pets, we bonded and began a lifetime of friendship. In the years that followed, we’ve supported each other through divorces, new marriages, births, health crises, loss, and long distances.
Aside from my husband, no one has been more supportive of me. Our similar beliefs help sustain our friendship. We have deep conversations about life, world affairs, politics, travel, and goals — shunning trivialities and small talk.
In the years that followed, we’ve supported each other through divorces, new marriages, births, health crises, loss, and long distances.
Loss
Laurel and I had a long phone conversation recently that made me realize how fortunate we are to have each other.
Laurel had called for the first time since her husband succumbed to a long illness. She’d sent me a brief message to let me know of his passing last week, but we hadn’t spoken until today, as she was in the throes of funeral arrangements and legal/financial matters. I wanted to be there to comfort her, but distance prevented it. Besides, she didn’t need me hovering. She’s strong and has adult children to support her. Actually, she’s the one who holds up everyone else during hardships. Strength and resilience are two characteristics we value in each other.
Laughter, trust and understanding
And there’s the laughter — the glue that cements our friendship. Although there wasn’t any laughter on that day, most of the time we have wonderful moments of hilarity when we laugh at ourselves, our foibles, and our peculiarities.
I once heard an anecdote that sums up our friendship:
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” — Groucho Marx
Our bond is built on trust and understanding, and we’ve always felt safe expressing our deepest fears and joys to each other. This mutual support has deepened our friendship, and we’ve grown closer through every confidential moment, knowing that no matter what happens in our lives, we can count on each other.
We act as each other’s sounding boards, frequently asking, “What would you do?” And we trust the answer will always be honest, thoughtful, and guided by genuine care for each other’s well-being.
Our bond is built on trust and understanding, and we’ve always felt safe expressing our deepest fears and joys to each other
Optimism, support & letters
We both see the glass as half-full and strive to keep a growth mindset. She loves history and I enjoy tech and writing. Our differences are fodder for fun discussions, sometimes carrying through to our letters.
Yes, letters. We take the time to write letters and cards about our families, pets, and plans. Laurel avoids computers like the plague and writes longhand, but I write them on my computer. Either way, it’s the time we spend thinking of each other in these moments that are so meaningful.
We both see the glass as half-full and strive to keep a growth mindset
Laurel is the only friend that read my thriller novel, and I adore her for that, knowing it wasn’t a genre she usually reads. That’s what true friends do for each other.
Misadventures
Through the years we’ve had loads of fun and some misadventures. From ski trips with our dogs to “secret shopper” assignments, to train trips and wildlife encounters, we know that shared mishaps make for the best stories. Who needs a perfect experience when you can have a memorable one?
Most mishaps were harmless, but the one I remember most vividly was our unplanned encounter with a bobcat.
As we hiked the trail around our housing tract one day, we stumbled onto a wildcat sunning itself in the middle of our path. Naively, we stepped closer to determine the species — a large domestic cat or a bobcat? We were only a few feet away when we realized it was a mountain lion.
We did one of those double takes you often see in movies, looking at each other, then at the big cat, and then back at each other with questions in our eyes. “Do you think it’s sick?” one of us said to the other as we noticed the animal that was still.
“What do think we should do?” asked the other.
As we thought about it later, we realized the danger of the encounter. Yet there we were, asking questions only feet from a predator! The mountain lion was alert and watched us intently, but never moved — most likely wondering which of us to attack first.
In the end, we walked away shaking our heads and discussing whether we should report it to someone, but to whom? Besides, there were no cellphones at that time and we had a long walk back to our homes, with no way to describe to authorities where the cat lay.
Who needs a perfect experience when you can have a memorable one?
Every woman should have a Laurel
This friendship will endure because we’ve nurtured it, almost like a marriage.
Through the years, I’ve been disappointed by false friends, and I’ve limited my acquaintances to give me more time to support the people that mean the most to me. I’ve chosen to invest deeply in important friendships: my husband, my sister, and Laurel.
Every woman should have a Laurel.
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