Frankly Speaking: How I Shaped My Path
If you can’t predict the future, try to influence its direction.
Like many of my close friends, I have always been driven to excel. But despite what many people say about our generation, I don’t expect to become rich and famous overnight. Quite the opposite. What I’m interested in is creating lasting change. Sure, I’d love to be recognized, but only as a direct result of my hard work.
Early in my career as a young professional I had trouble persuading my colleagues of the value I brought to their teams. So I started paying attention to the ways CEOs, consultants and negotiators influenced other people to make decisions. The payoff was a compilation album of “smooth moves,” a collection of candid tips on the art of persuasion that makes up the fourth part of my personal playbook.
Rule #19 Swim Blind
Prepare for the unexpected
“To be prepared is half the victory” — Miguel Cervantes
In 2008, Michael Phelps was preparing to swim the 200-meter butterfly race at the Olympics in Beijing. He hit the water and immediately noticed that his goggles were leaking, slowly filling up until his vision was entirely obscured. But Phelps didn’t stop or slow down, because he was prepared for this. Before starting any competition, Phelps would close his eyes and imagine his next race, stroke by stroke, from start to finish. Now, as he swam blind through his last lap, Phelps knew instinctively how many strokes he had left. He approached the wall, gave a final push and reached out his hand the exact distance to touch the wall and win the race with a world-record setting time. Later, when a reporter asked Phelps what it was like to swim without being able to see, he replied, “It felt like I imagined it would.” Being mentally prepared is not just an exercise for Olympic athletes, obviously.
Being prepared helped me get a raise. As I was returning to my desk from lunch one day, I received an unexpected summons from my boss to his office for a performance review. For a while I had been thinking about my contributions to the company and the value I brought to my team, imagining how I would frame my achievements in precisely this kind of situation. When I went into that office, I was able to ask for more money with clear and organized arguments.
THE TAKEAWAY: Every day is the most important day of your life. Be prepared for the unexpected meeting that could make or break your career by mentally rehearsing your most effective sales pitch or presentation. And always have a question or comment ready for the most important person in your company; you never know when you two will meet in the elevator.
Rule #20: Hunt For Connections
Explore what people have in common with you
“Our Similarities bring us to a common ground; Our Differences allow us to be fascinated by each other.” — Tom Robbins
Employers tend to hire people they’d like to hang out with, according to research conducted in 2012 by Northwestern University professor Lauren Rivera. More than 50 percent of employers listed “cultural fit,” or perceived similarity to a firm’s existing employees, as “the most important criterion” at the job interview stage.
This rule also applies to adapting to company culture once you have a job. I used to hate small talk. When I had to travel to a work conference in a car for two hours with a co-worker I didn’t know, the first 40 minutes were awkward and uncomfortable. Finally I started asking questions until we both realized we shared a love for long board skateboarding, of all things. We talked about it for hours, and the following weekend we went for a ride in Central Park. We eventually became good friends.
THE TAKEAWAY: Understand what people have in common with you, explore it, and use it to make introductions. When people look in the mirror they see what they want to see; you should be the mirror that tells them what they want to hear. In other words, adapt your message for your audience.
Rule #21 Grow A Backbone
Be loyal to yourself
“What you allow is what will continue” — unknown author
An academic paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that to some degree, nice guys do finish last. The researchers examined earnings data to determine that men who rank high in “agreeableness” — how much you value getting along with others and how disposed you are to be critical of others — make up to $10,000 less per year than men who are less agreeable.
I try to be courteous to everyone I meet and can’t stand it when I meet people who aren’t civil in return. For example, several years ago I frequented a dry cleaning business with a clerk who was extremely rude to me and took ages to return my shirts. This encounter always left me upset. Finally it occurred to me to stand up for myself, so I walked in one morning and said, “Before you have the chance to be rude, let me remind you what I am paying you for: good, fast service!” After that, my shirts were ready on time and the clerk was always polite. Sure, I didn’t enjoy being blunt, but growing a backbone actually improved my interactions with the clerk and the rest of my day.
THE TAKEAWAY: Show loyalty to others, but don’t forget to be loyal to yourself. Involve yourself in your employer’s interests, but not at the expense of your own. Speak up. If you are being taken advantage of, or you are undervalued, it’s time to say something. And if someone is rude to you, tell him or her you won’t tolerate it. Your confidence is the greatest deterrent for disrespect.
Rule #22 Grease It With Gratitude
Always end a conversation with a meaningful “Thank You”
“The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” — William James
Francesca Gino of Harvard Business School and Adam Grant of the University of Pennsylvania conducted a “gratitude experiment” to determine the effect of the phrase “thank you” in a reply email. They found that 55 percent of recipients to emails containing “thank you” felt an increased sense of self-worth, compared to 25 percent of people who did not receive notes that thanked them. The professors also found that 66 percent of people in the “gratitude group” were willing to extend help again when asked, versus 32 percent of the people who were not thanked.
I thought I’d conduct my own experiment on gratitude in one of my go-to lunch spots, a small take-out Indian restaurant on 9th Avenue near my office. At this place the servers assemble your meal in front of you, and if you’re lucky, you get free pita bread with your order. To conduct my “experiment,” I visited the restaurant for lunch every day for a week, making sure to say “thanks” after giving my order. I received a free pita bread every time I used the magic words. Coincidence? Maybe, but it certainly didn’t hurt to say thanks.
THE TAKEAWAY: Always end a conversation or exchange with a genuine “thank you.” It’s a simple but powerful way to make people feel valued and more willing to help you in future encounters.
Rule #23 Everyone Is Delusional
Let people talk about themselves
“People that know they are important, think about others. People that think they are important, think about themselves” — Hans F. Hansen
A recent study by Harvard psychologists Diana Tamir and Jason P. Mitchell concluded that humans get a biochemical buzz from self-disclosure. According to Tamir and Mitchell, we spend almost 40 percent of conversation talking about ourselves.
I once had a meeting with a senior executive who had asked for my help with a research report. The next day he told me I was the brightest talent he had met in years. I was astonished — I only spoke twice during our entire meeting, once to ask “How can I help?” when I sat down, and then “When do you need it by?” just before leaving his office.
THE TAKEAWAY: Let people talk about themselves — it’s the easiest and best way to make a good impression. Ask simple questions, and then ask more questions. Trouble with small talk in the elevator? Use the magic question: What have you been working on? People are always excited to tell you about their projects.
Rule #24 Everyone Is Royalty
Be humble. It’s the most powerful weapon of influence.
“A great person is always willing to be little.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Harvard professor John Kotter argues that showing respect helps you accomplish two goals: one, it enables you to soften whoever is in front of you, and two, it helps you win the broader audience around you.
I would add a third: kindness is a revolving door. Every morning I greet my company’s front desk officers by name and wish them a great day. Occasionally I bring them coffee. They know me and I know them, and we have established a relationship of mutual respect.
Those morning greetings saved my ass one afternoon when I went to lunch and left my badge ID at my desk. I returned from lunch running late for a very important presentation with no way to get through security without joining a long line. Luckily the front desk officers let me skip the security registration line because they knew me personally. I made it to the meeting on time — thanks to a simple “Good morning, Joe.”
THE TAKEAWAY: Being humble is the most powerful weapon of influence. Treat everyone, from the janitor to the CEO, with the utmost respect. Be especially kind to office assistants — they will hook you up when you need help.
New to #FranklySpeaking? Part One: How I Found Purpose
The grand Finale!Part Five: How I shared Inspiration
