4 Reasons Martian Parents Are Superior
Step up your parenting game, earthlings!
Two green-colored toddlers are chasing each other on the red, dusty ground. Antennae flying, horns shining, their tentacles intertwined, they run, and fall, then get back up again. Their parents are nowhere to be seen. These little ones have been fiercely independent since they hatched from their eggs. It takes all energy I have in me to rein in the desire to yell, “Achtung, Baby, don’t fall into that crater!” A clueless visitor may consider this scene neglectful, but those who have been living on The Red Planet for a while know that this is nothing to worry about. It’s just a normal day in the life of two Martian toddlers.
It’s 2050, the year humans finally exhausted every possible natural resource and moved to other planets in the Solar System, most recently Mars. There, they immediately started a civilization, and, despite the tough circumstances, became bountiful once again. After the concerns of survival became less of an issue, we looked around for other cultures to appropriate from. And that’s how we got enamored with Alien Parenting. Turns out, Martians do it better than you in every single way, and this is why.
Work-Life Balance
A day on Mars lasts 24 hours and 40 minutes. That leaves 40 minutes extra every day for bonding, me-time and self-care. Unlike many Earthen parents, who are always busy working, Martians have time for leisure activities such as digging, rolling down from the planet’s many craters and covering themselves in slime.
Toughness
Forget letting your babies sleep outside or bundling them into snowsuits just to go play in the woods. Try doing that in -80 degrees Fahrenheit — which is what the average temperature is on Mars. And don’t forget the dust storms, which are some of the fiercest in the whole solar system. As a Martian proverb says, there is no bad weather, just faulty exoskeletons.
Patience
Because a year on Mars lasts approximately double the amount of time it does on Earth, Martian children need to be very patient when waiting for their next birthday. Moreover, they also live on the second-smallest planet in the Solar System, which is also the reason why they’ve learned to be happy with less. A Martian hatchling will play with whatever it can find: red sand, ice sheets, or rocks. ADHD is virtually unknown here. A coincidence? I think not.
Food Is Not for Throwing
Right after they hatch, Martian younglings start foraging for yummy bacteria hiding in the planet’s many craters. Fresh, cold ice is also delicious and many slimy green toddlers and children take great pleasure in licking it. Because Mars is not nutritionally rich, its inhabitants have to eat what is put in front of them or starve. As a result, they are not obese.
If you’re not parenting like a Martian yet, then I feel sorry for you and your kids. I will follow these tips myself until I get bored and turn my eyes towards other alien species to teach me how to better raise my children. In the distance, Jupiter looks really beautiful. And didn’t a recent study find that Jovian children are the happiest in the Universe?
