A Field Guide to Soccer Parents in the Suburban Wild
When in the Suburban Wild, it is essential to familiarize yourself with the types of species you might encounter. Yes, the common H. Sapien still reigns supreme, but researchers have begun to notice the appearance of certain subspecies, particularly within the often intense and confounding ecosystem that exists on the sidelines of children’s soccer games. Should you enter this ecosystem on any given Saturday (or Sunday or Thursday night or Friday afternoon), you might encounter the subspecies Suburbium Eu Morbi Parent (from the Latin for Suburban Soccer Parent, or SSP). And since biology is wondrously dynamic, the SSP takes many forms.
Keep this Field Guide handy to help you navigate the world of SSPs and build a deeper ecological understanding of the Suburban Wild.
The Former Athlete
Easy to recognize due to its trademark inflated chest and ego. Furthermore, in conversation, this SSP will let you know within the first five seconds of encountering it that it played a Division I college sport. That personal fact is part of its standard intro. Due to its proximity to the world of elite sports 25 years ago, it will know everything about soccer, despite the fact that its sport was bowling (which is cool, but…).
The Wannabe Athlete
Was not an athlete in college or high school or elementary school, but boy, oh boy, it is an athlete now. Telltale markings are the oval bumper stickers all over its Subaru that proclaim 26.2, 100, Shut Up & Train, and Cycling Is Not A Crime. Another telltale attribute is its incessant squawking about things like how much weight it can deadlift and how its child WILL be a Division I athlete because said child is fiercer and better than yours.
The MomFluencer
Like the Whiptail Lizard, this is a girls-only subspecies. Look for a distinctly contoured face (yes, even at the 8 a.m. game!), perfectly coiffed hair, coffin-shaped gel nails clutching a Yeti tumbler full of White Claw (yes, even at the 8 a.m. game!), and the Louis Vuitton bag she bought with her stimulus money two years ago. She will post no less than five selfies to her Insta feed throughout the course of any one soccer game. Uses hashtags in normal conversation. She has 218 followers. Oops, make that 215.
The Wannabe MomFluencer
See above.
The My-Kid-Is-Getting-A-Scholarship
This type of SSP is always the first one on the sideline and settles in to watch its offspring warm up for 45 minutes before the game even begins. It is adept at vocalizing a slew of words that range from encouraging (at the beginning of the warm-ups) to completely demoralizing (by the end of the first half). This vocalizing is aimed at its own offspring and yours. Its offspring is typically in tears after the game.
The Inoculator
Like the giant squid, sightings of this type of SSP range from rare to nonexistent. It drops its kid off at practice and games and never stays to watch. It’s got other things to do, damn it! It enrolled its progeny in soccer to delay said progeny’s inevitable dalliances with weed, speed, alcohol, sex, and hours spent in TikTok comas.
The What-Am-I-Doing-With-My-Life
The only one on the sidelines without a chair and/or cooler. It maintains a somewhat glazed look in its eyes and may lash out if approached. Has not been seen doing anything but watching kids’ sports since the Fall of 2017 and exhibits signs of muscular, mental, cultural, relational, and creative atrophy. Was not aware that posterity would be so omnivorous.
