Humor | Parenting

A New Parent’s Guide to Newborn Cries

AKA WTF does my baby want and how can I get them to stop crying?

Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash

You’ve spent nine long months baking your sweet baby, and now that she’s here, you’re at a loss. Sure, you read What to Expect or The Happiest Baby; however, those books might as well be fiction. But don’t worry — we’ve got you covered. Here’s everything you need to know about how to care for your newborn and stop those ear-shattering cries.

1. If he’s crying, he’s probably hungry. He’s never known hunger before, mooching off the placenta like he did, so the sensation is startling. Some babies slowly tell you when they’re hungry, while others go from zero to screaming in seconds. The faster you can feed him, the better.
2. Crying also means she’s tired. It might be a little confusing since crying means hunger, but it’s the only way she has to communicate with you. Some parents swear their baby’s tired cries are different from their hunger cries, but all parents miss the sound of silence. You’ll probably figure out when she’s hungry versus when she’s tired at some point, but maybe not. Maybe you’ll be constantly second-guessing yourself and whether you’re the one parent in all of existence who truly is not cut out for parenthood. But either way, you’re not alone. All parents feel this way at some point.
3. If she’s crying, she might also be uncomfortable. Companies have made many a dollar on selling colic drops that might as well be snake oil. Gas is the number one reason for an uncomfortable baby. That’s why effectively burping your sweet baby girl is so important. In fact, if you strike your baby’s back with just the right force, you’ll expel the demons that are causing her discomfort and hear so much less crying. Or maybe not. After all, babies don’t communicate very well, and sometimes they cry all day and then you start crying too and it’s fine even though you’re totally not fine and you’re on the verge of a menty b every evening like clockwork. Still, it’s important to know that you and your baby will be okay eventually. Probably.
4. Also, sometimes he’ll cry when he needs a diaper change. I guess this could fit under the “uncomfortable” section but diapering requires a whole other set of instructions. If you’ve never changed a newborn’s diaper before, get ready. From his first tarry meconium poops to mustard-yellow milky poops, you’re going to deal with a lot of poop. When he’s older, his pooping will become more scheduled, but newborns can poop thirty times a day and still have more in them. Newborn poops happen at the most inconvenient times, such as when you think you’re going to be on time for your first foray into public since he was born, or when his naked butt is exposed because you’re already changing a poopy diaper. Some babies even projectile poop, and you never know when it’s going to happen. They don’t like having a dirty diaper, but they also don’t like having their bum changed. And because your baby isn’t shy about venting his frustration, he’s going to let you know with lots and lots of tears.
5. Sometimes you’ll find that after addressing all of the above, your baby is still crying. The simple reason for this cry might just be that you’re a monster who put your darling angel down for two seconds. The thing is, babies like to be held. Like a lot. Like more than you realized was possible. If you’re willing to hold your baby for twenty-four hours a day, they want to be held for twenty-five. You’re going to spend the next six months of your life with a perpetual knot in between your shoulder blades and a dead arm from cradling your child. Is it frustrating? Yes, but just know that you’re not the only parent who is trapped in a darkened nursery rocking a baby while looking through questionable ads for crap you don’t need.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh no, what have I gotten myself into?”, don’t worry! You’re not alone.

That’s because there’s nothing anyone can do to prepare for a newborn. You will make your way through the fog of sleep deprivation and find yourself a changed person.

You will become your baby’s expert and someday maybe even feel confident (or naive) enough to say that you could definitely (probably?) handle another newborn baby someday in the very distant future.

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