An Open Letter to the People Who Think Married Moms Are Happier
Dear Brad Wilcox and Wendy Wang,
Thank you both for your recent Atlantic article, “The Married Mom Advantage.” I love being reminded that life isn’t as bad as I think it is. Seriously. Your analysis of why married mothers are happier than childless and unmarried women is truly paradigm-shifting. I’d even go so far as to call it gaslighting.
But, before I get ahead of myself, let me start at the beginning. The first sentence is a gem. Judging by its press since COVID began, you might think that married motherhood is a pathway to misery and immiseration. What a hook! It immediately draws me in, because, yes, as a married mom with two young kids, I often find myself thinking this exact thing except I don’t use the word immiseration (but I will now — I just looked it up on dictionary.com).
Spending the holidays tracking down children’s antibiotics for strep is an immiseration. The Sisyphean pile of laundry I stayed up until after midnight folding is an immiseration. Listening to my two-year-old son scream for half an hour because he only wants to drink his milk out of the green cup is an immiseration. Spending two-and-a-half years locked down with my splendiferous children while waiting for them to get vaccinated was an immiseration.
Now I know this kind of unconstructive thinking is just proof of your next point: “negative commentary about marriage and motherhood, primarily written by and for left-leaning, affluent, educated mothers” is not an accurate reflection of reality. And, by extension, neither are my text chains with my mom-friends. You know, those women I never actually get to see in person because a kid gets RSV or the babysitter (if one of us is lucky enough to be able to find or afford one) cancels or there’s another classmate’s birthday party or work deadline.
What a relief to know our collective misery is unwarranted! That burning feeling in the pit of my stomach these last few years can’t be related to my repressed anger. It’s probably just menstrual cramps or my endometriosis lesions flaring up again. Who cares about those types of female problems anyways?
Work wise, I now see that I should have just saved myself the added stress of trying to publish anything viewed through my marriage-hating lens. My contributions to this leftist propaganda were probably better left unwritten. Instead of arguing for paid sick leave, I should have focused on how lucky I am to be married to a husband who can work while I take care of our almost-always sick kids. Not to brag, but I’m catching on fast to the way you both reframe a narrative.
Instead of writing, it would have been a better use of my time to reach out to my childless unmarried friends. Apparently, they’re more miserable than me and what’s the saying — I’m still a little foggy from my family’s second round of Covid after my son was exposed at school one of the days he was actually well enough to attend — oh yes, there it is, misery loves company.
But my childless friends are so hard to get in touch with. One’s traveling abroad. Another’s probably sleeping off a hangover (I haven’t seen her in ages — years one through four to be exact — because I don’t leave my house after dark anymore). And a third is trying to bill hours in her quiet, decluttered home.
Bless their poor, isolated hearts. Those childless unmarried people must be lonely without a kid trying to crawl back into their uterus or a husband who still doesn’t understand the phrase “touched-out.” I can’t fathom what gives their lives meaning or joy. Uninterrupted sleep sounds nightmarish. Who wakes them up at 1:16 am and 2:43 am and 5:24 am for music or blankets or sips of water? And they must be miserable with the utility of all those vital organs they don’t have to sell on the black market to afford part-time childcare.
It’s really a relief to know that marriage and motherhood don’t make women like me as miserable as we think they do. Sure, like you say, it’s harder for poorer unmarried women, but I’m not quite sold on that point yet because what isn’t? Let’s just add “less happy” to the string of systemic inequalities those left-leaning op-eds are always up in arms over: childcare costs, maternal mortality, poverty, healthcare, parental leave, minimum wage, etc etc.
I’m really starting to see your overall point. Instead of focusing on the unsustainability of motherhood in America, we should focus on how moms, especially us married ones, are happier than our childless peers.
I can’t wait for your next thought-provoking piece. I predict it’s going to be something along the lines of — Women shouldn’t care that abortion is illegal because data shows motherhood will make them happier in the long run.
Sincerely,
Sarah Hunter Simanson
One (Happily Miserable) Married Mom
