Classroom Supplies Needed: DO NOT DELETE PLEASE READ!!
Hello Parents!
Can you believe how fast this year has flown by? It feels like only yesterday we started school in the middle of the Delta wave, just a roomful of strangers desperately hoping not to get sick. We all know how that worked out (haha), but I’m so proud of how we’ve persevered as a class and built such a strong immunity.
Lol — I meant to type “community” but autocorrect got me! It’s wild how much it knows about us, right? Almost like it can read our minds or something? You make a variant effort to type carefully — haha there it goes again!
Since we are speaking of immunities, though, I have a small favor to ask of you. We are running short on hand sanitizer. TBH, we ran out several weeks ago and have been refilling the pumps with a mixture of liquid soap and vodka. Maybe you could send a real bottle in with your child? That way we can put the vodka to better use, haha!
If you do send a donation, please use a permanent marker to write my name on it in multiple locations. I’ve had problems with teachers accidentally borrowing supplies without asking lol. Please let your child know that under no circumstances are they to hand anything to another adult in the building, even a beloved teacher from years past. Can’t be too careful!
Since you’re going to the store anyway, we also desperately need Kleenex. Like, a lot of Kleenex — more than you might imagine possible for a class where half the students are absent at any given moment. Hey, fun fact: did you know that Kleenex is a brand name, not a product category? That’s right! The two have become synonymous because Kleenex dominates the market for facial tissue. Isn’t that wild? That being said, any box of facial tissue you write my name on and send in will be consumed immediately.
Wait, I thought of a better idea than the permanent marker. Maybe you could place items in a plain, unmarked brown paper bag? Make it look like a really big lunch or a coat or something? That would discourage any other teacher from snooping around my class and borrowing something when I’m in the bathroom, haha!
I wonder if you have a cache of unused N95 masks lying around? We would take even lightly pre-owned ones. Unsoiled, of course — we take the health of your babies seriously here! But if you have a loose stash in the car just for wearing in the grocery store? We could re-home those for you today!
Guess what? Clorox Wipes are also a brand, not a product! Isn’t that fascinating! Not without coincidence, we need some of them as well. We dried out our last roll and used it as Kleenex just this week.
If you have any extra gloves or mittens taking up space in your house, we would love to have them here. As you know, we’ve been keeping the windows open all winter to mitigate airborne spread, and it’s not quite spring outside yet! As a fun bonus, though, we’ve found that wearing gloves cuts down on nose-picking and ear-wax digging. Just an ancillary benefit of frostbite mitigation, am I right?
Here’s an idea on donation delivery. Maybe place all supplies in a box, okay? Then after school, I will dig a hole near the northwest corner of the faculty parking lot. Drive over at night, place the box in the hole, and cover it with the piece of plywood you’ll see leaning against a nearby tree. That will keep Mr. Douglas from sneaking into my room when I’m not looking and stealing my things. JK! But seriously, use the hole, please.
Also, since I have your attention, I’m begging you: could you please stop including the newest Wordle in your all-class communications? Most days I don’t have a moment to myself until almost bedtime, and it ruins my evening to see it. Stay away even from strong hints — I’m looking at you, Becky Patterson! “Frodo & Sam are going to love today’s Wordle winky face” is not as clever as you think.
You want to know another brand we often mistake for a product? Chapstick! Isn’t that crazy! And if Jasmine Faulkner’s parents could ask her to stop sharing her Chapstick with everyone in class? That would be great!
Before I let you go, I have to ask: Are you a college graduate? Would you like to make over $10 an hour working part-time in a fulfilling, safety-forward environment? If so, we’d love to introduce you to the wonderful world of substitute teaching! Most of our regular subs have stopped showing up, so maybe you could contact the front office for an application ASAP? The process is surprisingly lengthy, but hopefully, we can get you in here by May! You’ll need to bring your own mask, of course. Pro tip: make sure your name is written on both sides.
62 more days! Not that anyone’s counting lol!
On second thought, send me a note and I’ll swing by later tonight and pick up the supplies. Can’t be too careful around here.
Best,
Mr. W.
