Satire
College Financial Aid Forms, To Be Completed By The Student
- Calculate how much you have made so far in your life in American dollars. Convert it to euros, then convert it to yuan. Of that amount how much would it hurt to give us 3/4ths of it?
- It would be quite painful
- Pinchy, but doable
- “Mom?? What’s 3/4ths mean? What’s a yuan?”
- Take it all, my summer lifeguarding job basically prints dollars
2. In the summer of the year 2054, thirty years after graduation, what is your expected income?
- If this is knowable I don’t know it
- “Moooommmm! What is triple the amount Dad wishes he made?”
- I have invented a time machine and I know this number
- It depends. Was I an English major?
3. Do you have investments? Are some of them vests? Account for them, using the laws of sha’atnez (found in Leviticus 19:19).
- My school has an Investment Club and I photobombed their yearbook group photo and it was like, so funny. Everyone knows I would never have hung out with those dorks
- I have a down puffer vest
- I have a vest of some non-down material but it’s not wool and it’s not linen I don’t know what it is
- I have no vests
- My investment is in my future self
4. Do you own a deep-sea manganese nodule mining company? And if not Why not? Why haven’t you taken advantage of the lax international laws of the sea?
- Duh, by the time I was twelve, I saw that there was a market in deep-sea mining
- Basketball shoe reselling is what pays my bills, I don’t need another income stream
- I would never mine the deep sea! I love sea otters more than gold
- I’m a boba influencer
5. Answer only if you own a farm and/or have watched all episodes of Tudor Monastery Farm.
- Horse-drawn plough
- Scythe
- What happens to my application if I don’t care for historical reenactment?
- Heritage breed of pig
- “Moooom, do we own a farm?”
6. Parents say they love you “to the moon and back.” What will they say about cosigning a loan? Correct answer only.
- “That sounds dope!”
7a. Do you own property?
- No, I “own” the court
- Not in the traditional sense of real estate; I own intellectual property, my business ideas
- “Mooooom!!? Is that etching you found at a yard sale of an ugly-ass old man an early Rembrandt? You said you were going to find out. Can you find out like, right now?”
7b. Could you give 100% of the proceeds of the sale of that “Rembrandt” to the chair of our newest school, the School of Manganese Nodule Mining ‘N Other Sciencez? Correct answer(s) only.
- On a scale of 1–5 it would hurt zero
- Mi property es su property
- It’s not Rembrandt’s finest work
- et factum est
