Humor | Parenting

Daily Itinerary of a Woman Who Has Had It Up to Here With You People

She’s wiping butts and taking names

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6:45 AM: Wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone.

6:46 AM: Discover the children woke up even earlier.

8:00 AM: Aggressively wake up husband who was supposed to pack everyone’s lunches today like it says right there in red block letters on the family calendar.

8:30 AM: Curse the garbage trucks blocking the one-way street en route to school.

8:31 AM: Remind the kids that it is not nice to call someone a D-word, even when you’re late or stressed.

8:35 AM: Break up a backseat brawl over whose air it is.

9:00 AM: Craft a bitchy email to Jeremy who responded “yes” to the question: how many copies should I print?

9:05 AM: Craft a bitchy email to Sheila who needs everyone to know that she worked past 5:00 PM yesterday to “take one for the team.”

9:07 AM: Delete bitchy emails and fantasize about a new job.

9:10 AM: Scan LinkedIn job postings for a career that inspires.

9:30 AM: Contemplate moving to a small town and writing full-time.

9:45 AM: Google ‘cheapest cities with the best schools’ in North America.

10:00 AM: Perform a deep dive into East Coast gluten-free bakeries.

11:30 AM: Fall down a HouseSigma rabbit hole all the while cursing those rich people and their fancy homes.

1:30 PM: Carry the pile of crap that everyone has completely disregarded from the bottom of the stairs to the top of the stairs.

2:30 PM: Remember to eat lunch, then discover her husband ate the leftovers before he went to bed last night.

2:31 PM: Scarf down a half-eaten sandwich from the back of the fridge while her phone alarm reminds her of her “duck horse appointment.”

2:35–2:45 PM: Decipher “duck horse appointment” to mean “Doctor’s appointment” and race out of her house in her slippers because it slipped her mind.