Everything I Know About Being a Super-Awesome Dad I Learned From Binge-Watching “Succession”
YOU’RE A FATHER! Congratulations on this new acquisition. Raising your little startup and helping him (or her) grow up to be a Master (or Mistress) of the Universe can be challenging. But not for you. Especially if you follow these ten tips gleaned from the ultimate source on how to dominate Dadding… Succession.
1. Lights, Camera… MEMORIES!
As family “Dadcumentarian,” it’s your job to capture every precious moment, from the instant your little miracle enters the world to birthdays, holidays, and divorce court testimony on Mommy’s lack of mental fitness. Remember these are forever, so don’t skimp on production value: always film in “decayed sepia,” then erratically edit to crop out heads, feet, and whole entire people. And complement each of your masterpieces with piercing, psycho-stabbing piano nightmare music — think Chopin’s Nocturnes with a hip-hop beat heard after a fistful of Adderall washed down with day-old black coffee. I believe the new yellow iPhone includes a filter that does all of this.
2. Baby’s First Words, First Steps, First Acts of Betrayal… Oh My!
Relax, Poppa Eagerpants. Those firsts will come. Your little guy will be walking and talking in no time. Until then be present, cherish this stage, and remember: it’s not a competition. Capitalize on his grunting, crawling years by playing with him. Why not try the delightful Scottish nursery game, “Boar on the Floor” (which very much is a competition)! Google it. Then lock the doors. Oink-oink! ON YOUR KNEES! You and your little piggy will love it!
3. Potty Training.
This can be a stressful transition for young children. Handled indelicately, it can result in shame, embarrassment, and some intriguing adult sexual proclivities. Be supportive but also firm in emphasizing independence. It’s important to let them know they need to “make their own pile.”
4. First Day of Kindergarten!
Whether you’re dropping your future Princeton Princess off at school or watching her climb aboard that big yellow bus, the first rule is: Keep it together, Dad! Give her a big hug and whisper in her little ear, “Daddy’s so proud of you, Sweetie-Pie. Now fuck off.”
5. THE TERRIBLE ‘TWEEN YEARS.
Yes, your little angels will reach an age where they test and challenge your authority. This is normal. Don’t be surprised if they dye their hair green, play loud music, or go on a cocaine-&-meth bender with a den full of tweakers during a desert family retreat only to sober up just in time to hold a press conference where they accuse you of hiding horrible crimes that occurred aboard your cruise ship line in the 90s. Just take a breath and remember, it’s all part of growing up — and that hair dye will grow out!
6. Social Media.
Be vigilant about your teenager’s online activity. Monitor whom and what they post and text — down to every Tom, dick, and Gerri.
7. Leaving the Nest.
Where did the years go? As your former little deductions take their first step into the big ol’ scary world, rest assured you taught them well. Whether it’s off to college or into the workforce, know that you’ve prepared them by answering each and every silly question their curious little minds threw at you over the years. Questions like, “Daddy, why is the sky blue?” or “Are you a cunt?”
8. Remember to Take Some YOU-TIME, Poppa-Bear!
You’ve been there 100% for these kids so remember, you can’t do it all! Keep in mind that some things, such as your children’s weddings, are completely optional. Not black-tie- or loafer-optional, but like, show up-, attendance-optional. No one can be everywhere at once. After all you’ve done for them, they’ll understand.
9. Roll With the Changes… as Your Role Changes.
Your adult children may live nearby or halfway around the world. They may support you as you once supported them, maybe even taking you in under their roof. If you’re both lucky, you’ll still be of some use to them. Perhaps you can offer them sage advice. Or help with a down payment on their first home. Or cover up their legal liability pertaining to a horrific car accident/drowning death in which they were directly involved at the scene of their sister’s wedding (lucky for them someone forgot about Tip #8!). Just remember, wherever they go and whatever they do, you’ll always be their dear ol’ dad, until the bitter end. The shocking, sudden, no-one-saw-it-coming bitter end.
10. Don’t Take a Single Second for Granted.
Finally, if the incredible experience of raising children to become semi-acceptable descendants has taught you nothing else, it’s that life is unpredictable. Take nothing for granted, least of all family. Before flying to Stockholm in your private jet for a meeting with a microdosing Swedish tech mogul to try and close a mega-billion dollar deal those incorrigible little rascals of yours renegotiated behind your back, make the time to reach out and let each of them hear from the bottom of Daddy’s heart: “I always fucking win.”
Because you never know.
