Exposed! Local Children Uncover Their Mother’s True Identity
She is The Big Bad Wolf
Three local children recently pieced clues together to uncover their mother’s true identity. Their mom, Ruby Fenrir, is The Big Bad Wolf. Yes, that Big Bad Wolf, the one of Red Riding Hood, grandmother-eating, role-playing fame. “Our mommy reads that story to us a lot and it always feels familiar,” said the precocious Evey Fenrir, age 8. Below are excerpts from our conversation with Evey and her brothers, Grey (age 6) and Ryder (age 3) about the things that tipped them off.
The way she eats.
Remember in the story how it says the wolf eats up the grandmother super fast? Our mommy is a very fast eater. Once we saw her eating ice cream in the pantry and she finished the whole tub in three minutes! We timed her! She did the same thing with a bottle of dark red juice! Plus, she pours whatever is left on our dinner plates straight into her mouth before she puts the plate in the dishwasher. She can swallow like five chicken nuggets without even chewing them!
Her extra large teeth.
Her teeth are ginormous! An old lady at Uncle Sal’s funeral last month even came up to her and said, “You must be part of the family with those giant teeth,” and old ladies don’t say anything unless it’s cruel AND true, so it’s for sure true.
Her big arms.
Our mom’s arms are really big. There’s a whole part of them that hangs down and jiggles when she lifts her arms up. It’s fun to squish around. We slap at it and make it swing back and forth, back and forth. She does not like when we do this, but we love it!
Her temper.
Speaking of things she doesn’t like, it feels like she doesn’t like anything we do and gets mad at us a lot. Like, when we poured glitter glue on the dog or put firecrackers in the microwave, she got very upset with us. The story doesn’t say it, but The Wolf must have had a temper too. He did eat Grandmother, so was probably mad at her for something. Maybe she put an open jar of pet worms in the refrigerator too? We still stand by that decision. The worms loved it in there, no matter what mommy says.
Her big eyes.
Mommy’s eyes are often so big and wide that they look like they will pop out of her head. This morning when she found Ryder smearing his poopy diaper all over the bedroom wall, her eyes totally bugged out. We want one to fall out so we can see if it bounces. Shark eyes bounce and wolves are like the sharks of the land, so we’re pretty sure mommy’s eyes will bounce.
Her big ears.
She hears us even when we’re not talking to her! The other day, we were whispering because we accidentally cut a bunch of holes into this red cape she has when we were practicing our scissor skills and she heard us from all the way downstairs! Kid whispers are famously quiet, so there’s no way she could have heard us unless she was The Wolf.
That red cape!
Wait! A riding hood is a cape! She always told us that cape was from the semester she spent in Spain practicing matador skills. Liar, liar pants on fire! See?? She IS The Big Bad Wolf!
