MOMMING SO HARD

Here Are 12 Dead Giveaways You Aren’t a Parent

Tell me you don’t know much about children without telling me

Say what, now? (Image: Photo by Henley Design Studio on Pexels; modified by author in Canva; no copyright infringement intended).

Kids can be a pain in the ass. However, few people know it before they’ve stepped into parenthood.

If the following 12 things are true for you, as Dude-from-Lebowski would say, “Obviously you’re not a golfer.”

• Slime doesn’t make you angry.
• Sleeping arrangements have rarely (if ever) gotten your whole household to ugly cry.
• You’ve shamed someone online for using a leash at a water park.
• Good, affordable childcare seems like it probably exists, somewhere.
• You’re looking forward to Halloween — and the day after.
• You think intrinsic motivation is enough to make an 11-year-old help you pull weeds.
• Homemade jorts? You don’t see the appeal!
• Drive-thru pharmacies aren’t exciting to you.
• Nobody eats corn on the cob in your car — or sings the “It’s Corn” song.
• You’ve never seen someone lick a Big Wheel.
• If a loaded bagel were smooshed into your chaise lounge, you’d immediately replace the piece of furniture.
• You’ve bought a noisemaking toy for a child whose parents you don’t loathe.

Lindy Vogel is a failed model, Santa Cruz-based essayist, and mother of six.
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