Your shy, delicate nature will be sorely tested this week when the dog refuses to follow the super obvious rules of Hot Lava Dinosaur Tag. Retaliate by calling her a poopy head and eating half her bowl of kibble.
Although a peaceful home is your top priority, there are exceptions to every rule. Make sure to hide some cymbals under your pillow so you can sneak them into Mommy and Daddy’s room at 5 AM for an impromptu jam session.
A warrior at heart, you rarely take no (or yes!) for an answer. This week your patience will be tested even further when Jacob gives you a mighty shove for the unforgivable crime of being too “kindergarten-y”. Fight back by accusing him of having rabies and sciatica.
Your natural curiosity will somehow result in a record number of uncapped Sharpies in your bedsheets. Use the time during Daddy’s lecture about not touching his office supplies to plan your next heist — super glue!
You may be focused on a certain trajectory, but beware! Tripping while picking your nose could result in a trip to the doctor’s office where they no longer have toys, books, or any other object that could bring joy into your life. Instead, sit down first so you can safely wipe your boogers on the dog.
Fun fact: you’re 60% water! Use this information as motivation to deliver a 78-minute bedtime monologue about all the different places you’ve gone potty and why each was more terrifying than the last.
Your bravery in battling the terrifying, pencil tip-sized gnat in the bathroom will be truly awe-inspiring. The best time to demand a reward for slaying the little bug is while Mommy is patching the drywall and rehanging the blinds that were sacrificed in the fray.
Every day is an adventure. Today’s adventure should include bolting away from Daddy at bathtime, belting out “Baby Shark” for everyone within a five-state radius to enjoy, and eating some mystery powder you found in the garage.
Use extra caution near the vase on loan from Grandma, little bull. One false move while balancing the TV remote on your head and you’ll be in time out for longer than you’ve been alive. Instead, work on your Jedi powers by somersaulting repeatedly into the wall.
Your natural extraversion will result in house arrest after you begin violently coughing while trying to talk to passersby at the playground. Ignore the dirty looks as Mommy drags you away and remember to join in when she starts yelling “It’s just allergies!” at the top of her lungs.
Your vocabulary will receive a mighty boost this week when you overhear the neighbors arguing outside. But remember that your remarkable memory for new words could spell the end of ice cream for several weeks.
This week, your tendency toward aggression will be sorely tested. Work through your rage by emptying every last spice jar into an artistic pile in the middle of the kitchen floor. For true inner peace, sneeze directly on the pile and revel in the majesty of the colorful cloud that forms.
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