How to Create a Social Media Sports Superstar Even If Your Child Runs Like a Puffin
Image really is everything
It (social media) has gotten completely out of control because you’ve got people with no expertise on social media telling these guys they’re the best player they’ve ever seen. Now you’ve got everybody going back to their high school thinking they’re the best player on their team. It’s dangerous for the culture because it puts guys in a place they’re not. It sets them up to fail.
— Etop Udo-Ema, founder and CEO of Compton Magic
Do you yearn to parent a sports prodigy? Does seeing other kids excelling at sports throw you into a jealous rage? Do you have endless hours of free time? Then, Eliteparenting.com has the perfect course for you!
Eliteparenting.com’s expert instructors will teach you how to market your kid like a sports pro. You’ll learn how to catch the attention of other parents, college coaches, and even child molesters. Once you master these savvy marketing tools created to earn unwarranted and unearned hype for your spawn, you’ll never feel like a sports outcast again.
In this course, you’ll learn how to do all of the following:
- Introduce pure entitlement into your child’s life by reinforcing proven ideas that social media can turn fiction into fact.
- Create eye-catching fake social media posts with memorable tag lines like #superstar, #nextlebron, and #justlikeme.
- Master angles and backdrops to maximize your child’s talent while minimizing clumsiness, clunkiness, and overall cluelessness.
- Produce videos using heavy editing to highlight pure sports genius, even if it doesn’t exist.
- Make friends with Photoshop to create the appearance of a lean, mean fighting machine.
- Interact and socialize with other parents, coaches, and press while effortlessly inserting your child’s fictionalized stats, genuine “love of the game,” and overhyped talent into any conversation.
- Market yourself as a sports expert and create fake stat sheets and bogus All-Star lists even though you know more about the Silbo Gomero language than you do about the sport your child plays.
- Ignore the advice of child psychologists, pediatricians, and even decorated coaches, and begin setting up false expectations so your child will face the biggest letdown of their life with no one to blame but you.
- And last but not least, you won’t have to use idle gossip to clear the path for your child to succeed anymore. We’ll teach you how to create fake images of other players smoking, drinking, or even posing nude to ruin reputations and rid your child of pesky competition.
The only prerequisites to this course are you must always use a possessive pronoun when referring to your child, you must lack a meaningful and purposeful life, and you must be willing to serve hard time in jail. It’s that simple.
Join us today and level up your sports parenting and your marketing game. With Eliteparenting.com, you’ll get to live vicariously through your kid both on and off the field!
