How To Keep Your 20-Something From Roosting In Your Empty Nest
Your kid came home for quarantine.
He is surviving on Hot Pockets and whatever Uber Eats provides. He leaves his dirty plates under the bed and empty boxes in the freezer. He keeps the living room blinds drawn so he can watch reruns of WrestleMania without glare — at high volume.
When you ask him to turn down the TV or take out the trash, he complies, while wordlessly making clear that you have imposed upon him.
You love him, but you worry he will stay forever.
What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Going. To. Do?
Here’s what:
1. Remind yourself that your son is not a chick, but a fledgling. Fledglings belong out of the nest. You’re respecting the rules of nature, dammit!
2. Immediately cancel Netflix.
- Son: Mom! What happened to Netflix!
Mom: Oh, I cancelled it.
Son: What the heck?
Mom: Sorry sweetie. We’re cutting expenses.
Son: But MOM?!?
3. Turn up the thermostat — no lower than 76 if you can stand it.
- Son: Mom, I can barely breathe in here.
Mom: Hmmm. Why don’t you go outside and get some fresh air?
4. You’ll be hot, so take off your bra. And shower often, then walk around the house in just…
