How To Set Screen Time Limits for Your Tween That You Will Give Up on in Two Days Because You’re Super Lazy
At least you tried…kind of
The first time you find out that your tween was up all night playing Roblox, it might really piss you off. This makes complete sense. Time for a parental smack down with some well-thought-out rulz.
To help, you could read a parenting book about technology and screen time. When, inevitably, it sits on your bedside table until it’s covered in a fine layer of dust, you can just make up your own rules based on your mood. You will need to explain to your tween WHY they need rules — go for it: intervention style. Talk to your tween about how you really “get” it. This is definitely the time your kid wants to hear about how when YOU were a kid, everyone had a Nintendo but you — Gen X problems are really relatable for kids these days.
You’ve laid the groundwork, now you have to LAY DOWN THOSE RULZ and most importantly — YOU have to follow through.
Rule 1: Definitely no screen time unless your tween is done with homework. I mean, this one is a no-brainer, right? You can definitely check their online learning platform to confirm that they’re done, right? No? There’s a lag in grading? Your kid says they’re done though and you’ve no way to confirm? Well, that sounds fine — screen time it is.
Rule 2: No screen time until your offspring/dependants have completed requisite chores. You know what’s funny? The fact that even though they empty the dishwasher every DING DANG DAY it’s just always a surprise when you tell them to do it. It’s nice to know that your kids still retain their childlike naivety and innocence. And it’s a great way to learn about the five stages of grief because they will go through the SHIT out of each stage, especially bargaining. Watch out for bargaining–that’s how they get you. The best part about this rule is halfway through its enforcement you are already fully deep into the “how did I get here” relativity spiral, à la Talking Heads.
Rule 3: Take that computer/iPad/phone out of the room at night. Low-hanging fruit: If your kid doesn’t have a device in their room, they can’t spend all night on Gacha Life dressing up their anime character in increasingly ridiculous outfits. This will work great for the first few days. But let’s be real, by the fourth day you’ll have had too many pinot grigios and have no more fucks to give. The computer is too heavy, your tween’s room is too far away, they’ve already hidden the computer to thwart you, and really, who cares?
Rule 4: No screens till you’ve had fresh air and exercise. The best part about THIS rule is that any undiagnosed physical ailments lying dormant in your child will be made manifest with just the MENTION of this rule. It’s like the Pretty Litter of Internet Rulz–you can be dang sure that if you ask your child to go outside and play before screen time you will find an undiagnosed kidney complaint commensurate with a 14-year-old housecat.
Rule 5: Your tween breaks the rules and there is a consequence of NO SCREEN TIME. Logical consequences for the win! What? Your kid needs a computer to do their homework? And when they aren’t on the screen they are all up in your grill asking for snacks and pinching their little brother when you aren’t looking? We’ve got you: skip ahead to Rule 6.
Rule 6: Plausible deniability is your best friend. Is your child on a screen in the other room? You don’t know? If you can’t see it, it must not be happening. It’s Schrodinger’s Ipad all the way. Another way to do this is to strategically employ grandparents or adult family members–if someone else said “yes” to another twenty minutes of Super Smash Bros it would be practically impolite to go against. In sum: it’s really all about your guilt. Minimize the guilt and mitigate the problem. Wait, problem? No problems here: my child is in the next room churning butter and making paper by hand for all I know.
Am I lying to myself? 100%
Is there a way to mitigate your child’s screen time and not JUST your guilt?
Lol, no. The best you can do is quit feeling guilty about it…you just…Oh, eff it. We’ve lost this war anyway. Let them play Fortnite.
