Step Away

I Am Your New Range and Do Not Let Your Kids Near Me

This is why we can’t have nice things

Amy Strommer
Published in
4 min readApr 14, 2022
Photo Courtesy of Erik Mclean on Pexels.

I join this kitchen community with equal measures of excitement and concern. I love the trendy gray quartz countertop and white subway tile backsplash. The sports honors on the refrigerator door tell me you have kids, but the dried, crusty bits of previous meals stuck to every surface speak volumes. Please, I beg you, keep your kids away from me.

In the showroom, I heard you discussing how you saved your money for two years to buy me, your fantasy range. All I can say is maybe there are other appliances better suited to fantasies, like a VitaMix Blender or a De’Longhi Espresso machine, but I don’t judge. Whatever floats your boat.

I yearn to look nice for just one week.

That’s all I ask. Just one week to adore my glistening stainless steel sheen. As I sat in the showroom, I heard things that no range should ever hear, stories that made my burners tremble with fear: “Remember when Johnny dropped the raw egg on the burner?” And “My cooktop never recovered from the leaked grease from the last year’s Thanksgiving turkey.” Barbarians!

When you uttered the words “dream range,” I fell in love the second those words hit my vents. I heard phrases such as “beef bourguignon,” “soufflés,” and “lemon tarts.” I never once heard the words “teenagers.” I might have been more prepared for this day if I had known in advance you share a living space with these uncouth humans-in-training.

How about just three days of glory before those teens set their sloppy hands on me?

I know I serve a purpose here but show some mercy. Let me bask in my shine. Let me smile with the brilliance of an oven untouched by chicken grease. Let me have three days before oozing mozzarella cheese falls off a pizza and lands on my oven floor causing a permanent scar on my previously unblemished surface.

The refrigerator warned me. She stated your two teenagers often stand for hours with the door open gazing at her contents indecisively. But what really gets her icemaker in a tizzy is when they close her by pulling the…



Amy Strommer

Amy dreams of writing humor between her naps, having a clean house, and reading the 17 books stacked on her nightstand.