I’m Sorry to Ask This, but I’m Your Father, and Could You Please Respect Me?
Hey kiddo, I decided to put this in writing because of how important all this is to me.
When you get around to it — and have the time — I’d really appreciate it if you could give me, your father, some respect.
I know I tell you respect is earned, not automatic. And while it is ageist to just dole it out based on whether you’re old or young or whatever, I know I have earned your respect and more. You’re nine years old already. And I’m troubled by the way you treat me at home.
For example, when I ask you to do a chore, you should probably just do that chore. Not say “No,” and then I come back in five minutes and ask if now’s a good time.
Or when I say it’s time to do homework. I’d definitely expect a “Yes” there. Not a “Can you just do it for me?” What’s going to happen if something happens to me some day and I can’t do it for you?
This one’s hard to talk about, but dinner: It hurts my feelings when you say the thing I just spent over an hour cooking “tastes like muddy shit.” And what I hate is then I have to get up and make you a whole new dinner that you’ll enjoy.
And desserts can’t be after every meal. I’m trying to help you here, son. I have a hard time telling you this in person, but you’re poisoning yourself with the sweets. You’ve put on a lot of pounds in recent months. You look like the Baron from that Dune movie we watched.
I’m done making excuses for you at school. And I’m not gaslighting your teacher anymore. She thinks she’s fully insane.
After I clean your room, don’t knock over your paints and say, “now do it again, you coward.” And I know I shouldn’t say “Yes, sir.” That’s something I’m working on on my end.
From now on, please think of me as like a parental figure. Like, you can still call me “Jim” if you have to, but please refrain from calling me the following:
- Little Jimmy
- Big Ass
- Get Over Here
- Bitchboy
- Little Baby
- Mom Doesn’t Respect You
- That’s Why Mom Cheated On You
- Cuck
- Cuckcuckcuck
- (various chicken noises)
I hope that if we all treat each other with respect, things will go along much better.
If you got to the end of this letter, I have a special treat waiting for you downstairs.
Love, Dad.
P.S. Hope you’re not mad.
