I’m Your 5-Year-Old and Here Is Your 862 Page Dinner Menu

Welcome to my restaurant!

Elle Rogers
Jul 2, 2020 · 2 min read
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Image by MikesPhotos from Pixabay

Good evening, Mommy and Daddy, and welcome to my restaurant! I’m so glad you could make it! Please note that even though the place hasn’t been cleaned in the past three months, at least there have been no reported cases of COVID in this fine establishment.

As you know from your previous dining experiences, sitting on the furniture is not permitted. Yes, Mommy, I know you’ve been on crutches for the past four weeks, but the ambiance really depends upon your sitting in this cramped corner between the dog and Mount Crafts I Refuse to Do Even Though I Begged You to Buy Them for Me.

Thank you for your cooperation.

I hope you’re hungry! Here is your menu. I accidentally crossed out the appetizer section while I was trying to draw a rainbow by stuffing the entire box of markers in my mouth at once. But I can recite all the options for you: corn dog crumbs, uncooked potatoes, trail mix rescued from under the couch cushions just this afternoon, fruit snacks, and fluorescent pink frosting served on a trident like the one from The Little Mermaid movie.

Uncooked potatoes, excellent choice! Now for the entrées. Please turn to page 18 for literally hundreds of delectable options to tempt your palates. My favorites are the alligator teeth in a mayonnaise emulsion and the always delectable applesauce kabobs.

Also, our specials this evening are a pink plastic salmon head served in one of my firefighter rain boots and stale Cheerios. For soup, we have alphabet and clown chowder (it’s like clam chowder but way more terrifying and misunderstood).

Excellent question, Daddy. The item on page 64 of your menu is a unicorn tail. It’s cooked in a yummy strawberry-blueberry-raspberry-all the berries! sauce, then left in the sun for as long as it takes to get to Grandma’s house and back.

And don’t forget dessert! Please flip to page 487 of your menus. That’s the longest section because we have every cake flavor that has ever been eaten in the history of the world. Probably longer. Plus ice cream and even that lemon stuff we had at Auntie Lisa’s that I heard you say was the worst thing you’d ever tasted.

Don’t worry, I told her so that she’d never make it again.

No, we do not have chocolate chip cookies, but may I offer you this finely aged graham cracker with a side of dog drool?

Coming right up!

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled.

Elle Rogers

Written by

Mommy. Wife. Writer. Lunatic. My debut poetry collection, “The Weight of Need”, is available on Amazon.

Frazzled

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled. Parenting humor in bits and pieces.

Elle Rogers

Written by

Mommy. Wife. Writer. Lunatic. My debut poetry collection, “The Weight of Need”, is available on Amazon.

Frazzled

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled. Parenting humor in bits and pieces.

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