Humor | Satire | Parenting
Introducing Traveling Vibe Killers: Book Our Kids to Ruin Your Event!
We’ll destroy any birthday, wedding, or special event…Guaranteed!
How Traveling Vibe Killers Started
On a trip to New York City’s swanky Soho neighborhood with their young children, sisters Elaine and Ida discovered a gap in the vibe-killing market.
“It was basically faulty A/V equipment, Zoom, and people with weird laughs killing the vibes in the marketplace, and no one was monetizing it,” said Ida. “At the same time, none of these competitors could suck the good times out of the room as quickly as a screaming toddler. Second-to-none.”
Thus, Traveling Vibe Killers, LLC was born!
What We Do
We have three small children between the ages of 2 and 5 on-call and ready to ruin any grown and sexy atmosphere. Guaranteed!
Looking to finally get back at your parents for endowing you with an insecure attachment style that you’ve had to spend thousands of dollars working through in therapy? Book us to crash their anniversary party!
One child or more is guaranteed to scream as high as 120 dB (decibels), which, fun fact, rivals the noise intensity of an airplane taking off! Check your Apple watch folks, we’re heading into a “loud noise environment!”
Perhaps you’re a scorned lover looking to ruin your ex’s romantic dinner? We’ve got you covered! One child is always on the move and will graciously obstruct major flows of restaurant traffic for servers and guests. The child will strategically place toy trains and Hot Wheels cars in areas that adults are likely to trip over, recreating a scene out of Home Alone.
If that doesn’t work, he will go on a hunger strike and prostrate himself on the floor, protesting that Mommy said, “No, you may not dig ice out of everyone’s water glasses.” Tablets playing Cocomelon Lane and Bluey will be turned on full volume to rival Leon Bridges or whatever Latin Jazz is on in the background. We will also put a candle [real fire, fist pump!] at the children’s table and see what happens!
Do you have a friend who thinks having a baby with her partner will solve all their dysfunctional relationship issues? We have recently expanded into scared straight interventions! We crash sexy beach vacations, wine tours, and cocktail hours.
We’re also available to disrupt meetings and transit experiences! Book us for your next flight or train ride. Seat kicking, commandeering of armrests, sticky surfaces, crumbs in every crack and crevice, pounding on seat backs and tray tables, and destruction of safety manuals are all included in our pricing!
We pride ourselves in creating an atmosphere where romance dies. In randomized clinical trials, our services were proven to kill libidos as effectively as white guys’ fish pics and comments like, “That Andrew Tate makes some good points.” FSA/HSAs are now accepted along with health insurance reimbursement!
About Our Founders
Ida is a stay-at-home mom with another on the way. She looks forward to raiding the hors d’oeuvres at your next event and telling anyone who will listen about her weak pelvic floor.
Elaine is a mom of two daughters and a physician. Yes, she is better at this than you. She is also a proud breastfeeding mom. Catch her breastfeeding or pumping at a table near you.
