Parenting Satire
Job Specifications for Position As Our Child
Just so we’re all clear on expectations
The successful candidate for this position will:
Gaze at Mommy’s and Daddy’s faces for indefinite lengths of time while sucking on hands and making sounds. Attractive, quiet sounds, not the other kind. Stare lovingly only at Mommy and Daddy, avoiding all others, especially Daddy’s mother.
Sleep through the night by three months, four at the latest. A full twelve hours, preferably seven to seven, so Mommy and Daddy have time for a shower in the evening before they start watching TV.
Wean self before Mommy is tired of breastfeeding.
Transition to solids easily and eat a wide variety of foods without dumping any on the floor, since they will all be part of farm-to-table meals made by Mommy and Daddy.
Complete toilet training without any peeing and pooping on the floor. This is non-negotiable.
Behave at playgrounds in such a manner as to not attract unpleasant attention from other parents or bother Mommy and Daddy while they are talking with their friends.
Listen and act attentive during library story hours and complete any accompanying crafts in such a manner that Mommy and…
