List: What to Say at the Playground to Avoid Awkwardness
A handy guide
1. Don’t eat her chocolate.
2. That’s for her.
3. You get your chocolate with dinner,
4. if you go on the potty.
5. Don’t take that
6. Don’t push him.
7. Don’t put your hand down there.
8. And then back in your mouth.
9. Don’t choke her from behind with both hands. Look, her face is all red now.
10. Oh, he’s two and a half. How old is she?
11. Wow! She’s so big! For her age. I think it’s so important nowadays to cut out BPA and basically just do clean eating, but like real clean eating. But she’s big, so you must be. There’s toxins in EVERYTHING. But you know that too. And polymers. Which is common sense, but you don’t think about it. I think about it. Do you have any friends who are parents?
12. Oh… Well, I’m friends with other friends of mine. I was just curious, like sociologically.
13. Put it down now.
14. No, sir.
15. No, sir.
16. You may not eat that. You could die.
17. Put down Elmo. No, he’s not having fun.
18. Play with that little girl. Over there. That one. In the green. Don’t be- No. That one. See? She’s nice. No, not her. Fine, her.
19. Don’t squeeze her head.
20. Apologize to Annabelle. No-Not her hair- Aw jeez. Say- Say you’re sorry. Thank you.
21. Yeah, I’m really sorry about him…He’s still doing it?
22. This is a lot of fun!
23. Don’t put your head in that.
24. I’m looking!
25. I am looking!
26. Is your underwear wet?
27. Get on the swing. Come- No, you wanted to before. Get on. GET ON. I have to take a pict- Get on the swing. No. Don’t- Don’t you cry. This is going to be the best Christmas card. STOP IT.
28. I love you.
29. Patrick was staring at that trash can first.
30. No. We’re going home. Get you duckies: Millie, Herbert, JumBaw, What The Heck, and Pacifier.
31. You two are so young to be parents. How old are you?
32. We decided to settle down late. I wanted to make sure I actually had my own life before I started another one. Y’know?
33. Not that you don’t have a life.
34. I’m sorry.
35. He had an increased likelihood of genetic abnormalities, if that makes you feel any better. It’s healthier, what you did.
