Local Man Arrested on Charges of Imitating a Father
Also known as “Faux Pa”
Jerald P. Smithenburg, 32, was arrested on Saturday after his 6-month stint at the community center, claiming to be a professional father of three. During said time, he committed many egregiously fatherly acts, such as calling everyone champ, giving high fives when children completed a task, and making at least one dad joke an hour. Local part-time child Anne said, “I remember the first day he came in. He had cargo pants on and a haircut that said yep, my wife did this when our child was crying. His dad game was on point as well. No matter what he was doing when I said ‘can I go to the bathroom?’ He always responded with ‘I don’t know, can you?’” We later found out that Anne peed herself trying to think of the correct grammar to ask the question.
Parents themselves are shaken, with Margret Irita, a full-time bartender, and I-can’t-believe-you-don’t-know-where-your-coat-is mom stating, “I listened to 25 minutes of dad jokes from him. This is devastating and has broken the sacred bond between father and pun. My husband has even repeated some of these jokes. Now I’m no longer sure if he or the mailman is the real father of my children.”
Jimbo S. Champus, the president of the local father and regional tool dad union, also known as the FART’d union, responded to this situation by saying, “We have all been deeply wronged and none more so than fathers. Many of our members don’t even get fake laughs from their kids with the same jokes they have laughed at for years. We believe this may have even soured an entire generation to the dadisms that have made us popular for so long. A few fathers have even taken to actually returning with the milk as a way to restore faith in the industry. As a union, we are pushing for him to lose full access to his pun license, pull my finger soundboard, and La-Z-Boy chair that no one else is allowed to sit in.”
When asked, a sobbing Jerald Smithenburg stated, “I’m so sorry for all that I have done. It all started as a joke with my roommates and just spiraled out of control. The rush you get when you say, ‘I don’t know, can you?’ to any question a child asks is just intoxicating. I could talk to Sheila and the other moms about Patric, Oliver, and Piper for hours. It provided me with the life that I always knew I wanted, but until now, didn’t know how much I needed. I have come to the realization that I’ll never see my kids again as they aren’t real.”
Currently, the prosecutor is looking to charge Mr. Smithenburg with Faux Pa, acting with an unlicensed joke book, and killing a good time. They are looking for 18 years to life with a minimum sentence of community service of 1,000 hours of changing diapers.
