Report: Local Pediatric Researchers Warn of Impending Baby Eruption
Experts concerned that “she’s gonna blow”
A local Westdale pediatric research center, the Vandens Institute, is alerting its neighbors to prepare for eruptive activity in the days to come, as the eight-month-old baby in their research facility has not defecated for a week.
“We just want everyone in the area to be vigilant,” said John Vanden, Co-Director of Research, as he walked up to a neighbor’s door with a flier advising of the growing threat. The flier warns of noise, air, and even visual pollution the neighborhood may experience when the explosion and its subsequent cleanup efforts occur. It also contains a recent image of the baby sitting up without any help and a list of its likes and dislikes, although their connection to the impending disaster was unclear.
“Constipation-fueled screams, penetrating smells until trash day, the sight of a baby technician in a loosely tied robe in the early morning hours: these are all potential events that demand preparation. Past experience tells us this will happen, but the when and how big, there are just too many unknowns in this growing research field right now,” Vanden continued. The house has stopped all public visitations and transportation of the baby due to the growing danger.
“I was helping with the baby up until a few days ago,” said research intern and neighbor Chelsea Weaver. An expert in baby leg bicycling, a controversial method that produces minor gaseous events to relieve seismic digestive activity, eleven-year-old Weaver’s position had grown too dangerous in the lab/family room, according to the Vandens.
“We’re constantly monitoring the baby for warning signs,” said Co-Director of research, Hannah Vanden, who likened waiting for the fecal eruption to her experience growing up in central Illinois.
“When I was little I remember the sky turning green before a tornado would land. Now I spend hours watching the baby thinking, ‘what’s her green sky?’”
Renowned for their expertise in digital circles, the Vandens have been prolific in the field of pediatric scatology since their daughter was born eight months ago. In early 2021 they published a widely viewed preprint that offers a systemization for the field whose sheer number of categories and level of detail surpasses the work of “Linus, that kid from Charlie Brown who named all the animals,” according to one commenter of their research. The Vandens hold honorary doctorates from Babycenter and the Bump.
