Mommy’s Rules for Preventing Spontaneous Human Combustion
Gather ‘round children. My darlings, do any of you know what “spontaneous human combustion” is?
Gregory, my precious boy — Mommy knows you’ve been sneaking into the basement at night to binge-watch reruns of Unsolved Mysteries. No no no, you’re not in trouble! Please, share with your sisters what you’ve learned from that nice man, Mr. Stack.
“It’s when people explode dead into flames,” is a wonderful description. Great use of your new vocab words, sweetie!
Don’t be frightened, but Mommy feels there’s this itty-bitty chance she’ll become sick with spontaneous human combustion, so Mommy needs all of you to pitch in and follow some new rules.
Look! I’ve written them down on this pretty chart and YOU GET A STICKER FOR EACH DAY YOU FOLLOW ALL THE RULES SO THAT I DON’T BURST INTO FLAMES. Isn’t that exciting?!?
Let’s read the rules together!
#1 Use “inside” voices
When Mommy is surrounded by constant shrieks, her insides get really hot and this emotion is called anger. Mommy’s anger is BIG BIG BIG, so Mommy needs everyone to use their quiet voices so that Mommy’s insides don’t destroy her as well as turn everything in this house to ash.
#2 Understand the difference between literal and figurative language
Though this English Language lesson may be considered advanced for your age group, Mommy believes that all of you are very, very smart! For example, when Lexie screams, “I’ll kill you so much!” That’s called hyperbole, a type of figurative language because Lexie won’t actually kill anyone since we’re a family and we love each other! On the other hand, when you overhear Mommy sob, “I am going to blow up!” You little angels need to STOP, DROP, AND ROLL because Mommy is using these words LITERALLY and there is a severe chance of fire. Yes, LITERAL fire!
#3 Please call me “Mommy” and not “Jessica” or “Hey, Old Lady B-Word”
Why?? Well, Mommy gets no respect — spell that with me, R-E-S-P-E-C-T — from her boss, Grandma Lynn, or any of you precious little miracles. Example time! If Lizzie is hungry, she should say, “Mommy, may I please have some chicken nuggies?” And if I ever hear Lizzie say again, “Yo woman, gimme them nuggies!” Mommy will lose her cool and Mommy can’t promise that your dinners won’t be scorched during Mommy’s ever-looming self-ignition. And you know how much Mommy hates wasting food!
#4 Don’t play with fire
Mommy realizes that she’s mentioned fire many, many times and Mommy is also aware of how this could inadvertently prime your young minds for pyromania. Mommy is VERY SORRY if your dreams become consumed with images of fire. But under no circumstance are any of you to play with literal fire.
#5 Don’t gaslight Mommy
Mommy also realizes that she has been speaking in the third-person quite a bit. Though most people do not speak in the third-person regularly, Mommy (me) finds it helpful when speaking with you (her children) in order to help reinforce rule #3 and it is absolutely NOT because Mommy (me) is “one stick short of a matchbook” no matter what ex-Aunt Belinda says. Now, when my children (plural you) reach a point in their (possessive plural) education, be mindful that some writers utilize the third-person point of view to suggest madness, but honestly, who can say if someone is “mad” or just under immense pressure from being a single parent?!
What do you mean I sound like an unreliable narrator?! STOP SAYING THAT! If you don’t stop right now, I SWEAR TO GOSH I AM GOING TO BLOW UP! Refer to rule #2 ASAP!!!
