Satire

My Child Doesn’t Watch YouTube

And yours shouldn’t, either

Gail Gauthier
Feb 11 · 3 min read
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Image for post
A Good Day In A Home Without YouTube Photo by G. Gauthier

My child doesn’t watch YouTube. Instead she does what children have done for generations. She screams and jumps up and down and throws things at her parents and yells at the neighbors. She demands food all the time and rips up books and breaks crayons, as well as dishes and eyeglasses. This is the nature of childhood. It is what will one day make her a woman.

YouTube is filled with children’s programming created to take advantage of inexperienced parents who aren’t aware that their youngsters need hours and hours of empty time to fill with objectionable behavior. They don’t realize their children are learning all kinds of valuable things from making the lives of everyone around them a living hell. Nor are they aware that YouTube programming is part of the television industry’s plot to create a population of adults who didn’t fill their preschool hours with yanking all the kitchen towels off their hooks and those hooks off the walls, a population of adults who will blindly pay for cable access as soon as they’re old enough to collect a paycheck, because they don’t know any better.

It’s all a scam to get our nation’s youth to grow up bound financially to Netflix, CBS Access, that Peacock thing, and Amazon Prime. Amazon, remember, is in the process of taking over the world. It won’t get my girl, because she doesn’t watch YouTube.

My child doesn’t watch the educational programming on YouTube, so she doesn’t know her colors, letters, or numbers and doesn’t have a clue about the days of the week. She needs to learn those things through rote memorization and not from hours of watching Super Simple Songs and Little Baby Bum. This is crucial for her brain’s development. Your really important knowledge, the names of state capitals or biological classification, for instance, is acquired in deadly boring ways. YouTube is not only no preparation for that, learning the names of the planets through YouTube songs and cartoons will weaken any child’s ability to memorize their composition and density in years to come.

Nor does my child use YouTube videos on smart phones to sooth and comfort herself in stressful situations, while traveling in new, crowded places, for instance, or at doctors’ offices. Even for vaccinations. Particularly not for vaccinations. Never will I allow Little Elmo to distract Charlotte from her fear of flu shots or their pain. Why not? Feeling fear and pain teaches us to expect more fear and pain. Fear and pain are good for children. Toughens them up.

That guy in my office who had a pissy fit when I got the department transfer he’d been waiting for? You can bet he never learned to accept that life is often dull and disappointing, because he spent every moment of his childhood being excited and cheered by an early version of YouTube.

I don’t try to divert my child from screaming and jumping up and down and throwing things at me. She is welcome to rip up books and break crayons. I realize that tolerating these behaviors from her is the very small price — well, the price, anyway — I pay for not using YouTube to engage her.

The suffering I experience today will provide her with a tomorrow all your YouTube-watching kids will never know.

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Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled.

Gail Gauthier

Written by

Writer of humorous children’s fiction. Short work at The Haven, The Millions, Literary Mama, Bending Genres, & The Blue Nib. Tweets at @gail_gauthier

Frazzled

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled. Parenting humor in bits and pieces.

Gail Gauthier

Written by

Writer of humorous children’s fiction. Short work at The Haven, The Millions, Literary Mama, Bending Genres, & The Blue Nib. Tweets at @gail_gauthier

Frazzled

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled. Parenting humor in bits and pieces.

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