Member-only story
Parenting | Humor
My Kid’s Friend Isn’t Allowed at Our House Anymore
She’s a total narc
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“Mommy, can I invite a friend over after school tomorrow?” my daughter blurts, her backfoot still in contact with the final step of the school bus.
The question travels from her lips to my ears and I notice immediately that a) her usual ‘s’ lisp has been dropped on the word school suggesting that she has been mentally rehearsing this question for some time and b) she isn’t making eye contact.
Harper.
“Sure Sweetie, who would you like to invite?”
She pops a fistful of hair into her mouth. She’s being dodgy.
Don’t say Harper. Don’t say Harper. Don’t say Harper.
She spits out the mouthful of hair as I fight the urge to dry heave. “Harper,” she admits. “She wants to see my gems!”
Correction: she wants to steal your gems.
I know this because every time that eight-year-old klepto comes to our house something goes missing.
I try something.
“You’ve been complaining a lot about Harper lately — how she kicks you in the vagina when she doesn’t get her way? Maybe you can invite Sadie or Eleanor or even Tylor over instead?”
The last time Tylor came over he said our house was boring and our snacks were gross and then climbed our tree while gnawing on a stick because he was a beaver and refused to come down. That seemed more boring and gross but at least he was out of the way.
“No. I want Harper. She’s nice now!”
Shit.
I’ve never in my life encountered a more manipulative kid than Harper. For my daughter’s eighth birthday, she gifted her a best friend necklace. They were peripheral friends. Classmates at most. It was a hamburger (best) and fries (friend). She then made my daughter give her the hamburger (best).
Boss move.
For weeks my daughter obeyed Harper’s orders under the guise of best friendship. She let her roll the big tire during special recess, traded classroom jobs even though my daughter hates…
