No Judgment, Girl! It’s 2020!

We are soooo in this together!

Jen Freymond
Sep 3, 2020 · 3 min read
Photo by Victoria Heath on Unsplash

TO: themominator79@mommymail.com

FROM: jenfreymond@gmail.com

(Sometime during the interminable year of no one’s lord, 2020)

Hey friend,

It’s a weird and scary time, huh? I can barely get myself to do anything at all, especially when it comes to “homeschooling” the kids. I think I’m depressed.:(

Anyway, I would love to hear how you are!

I haven’t showered since Tuesday.

Stay safe,

jen

TO: jenfreymond@gmail.com

FROM: themominator79@mommymail.com

Hi Jen!

Great to hear from you! And hey, NO judgment! How are we expected to be productive right now?

I’ve hardly done anything for homeschooling this week either, just had the kids create an above ground garden and plant a bunch of vegetables and herbs. That’s what I’m calling “school” this week. LOL

Ashley

TO: themominator79@mommymail.com

FROM: jenfreymond@gmail.com

Ash,

Wow! A whole garden? Good for you!

Meanwhile, my kids were playing The Sims or some shit on their iPads. I don’t actually know what they’re doing on there.

Jen

TO: jenfreymond@gmail.com

FROM: themominator79@mommymail.com

OMG totally no judgment! If surviving means your kids play video games for several hours, whatever!

I can totally relate. My kids don’t play video games (no judgment! It’s just that video games are really bad for kids’ brains), but they are each learning to play a musical instrument and they’re like, so bad so far. Chase can barely get through Beethoven’s 5th on the violin without fucking it up at least once. SMH.

TO: themominator79@mommymail.com

FROM: jenfreymond@gmail.com

Musical instruments, huh? That is exactly like what my kids have been doing if you replace “play” with “scream” and “musical instruments” with “Go to hell, mom!”

I still haven’t showered.

TO: jenfreymond@gmail.com

FROM: themominator79@mommymail.com

Oh honey, I’m sorry. I swear my kids hardly do anything and I’m totally useless.

Jodie got up this morning and made homemade pasta from scratch and honestly, the noodles are a little starchy. FAIL.

And you should have seen the shitty dioramas Chase made to represent each of the Russian novels he’s read this month. I’m not sure he even grasped the theme of Crime and Punishment. FML.

TO: themominator79@mommymail.com

FROM: jenfreymond@gmail.com

Are you doing this on purpose?

My kids (who are also 6 and 8… your kids are 6 and 8 right? Did I have that wrong?) are over here running into walls and yelling, “Mom! How do I make toast?”

TO: jenfreymond@gmail.com

FROM: themominator79@mommymail.com

Oh my god girl, I hear you. Jodie and Chase spent all day yesterday building an elaborate Rube Goldberg-style irrigation system for the garden. What a pointless thing to make!

TO: themominator79@mommymail.com

FROM: jenfreymond@gmail.com

I increasingly think that you do not hear me.

On the rare occasion that my children make anything, it’s when they take one LEGO and stick another LEGO on it and say, “I made a plane,” and I’m like, “Maybe we could add some more LEGOs?” and they’re like, “Fuck off mom!” and go back to making their sims piss themselves.

I don’t think I even remember how to shower.

TO: jenfreymond@gmail.com

FROM: themominator79@mommymail.com

It is a 100% judgment-free zone over here. My kids would never cuss at me (no judgment, it’s just that they totally respect me) but you are not alone! I used to work with kids in juvenile detention and a lot of them cussed at their parents.

My kids did nothing today except harvest veggies that they used to make a casserole which they are donating to the Assisted Care Facility nearby.

I get it, girl. Parenting in 2020 is tough.

TO: themominator79@mommymail.com

FROM: jenfreymond@gmail.com

Hahahaha yeah you totally “get it.” Our kids are the same.

For example, Darrell learned how to spell the word “turd” correctly this week. He has also taken to blowing up the latex gloves we have, sticking the blown-up glove in his crotch and yelling, “Hey mom! I have five penises!” which is, obviously, hilarious.

Wendy has really mastered flipping me off. I guess her little fingers are finally strong enough.

TO: jenfreymond@gmail.com

FROM: themominator79@mommymail.com

I am SO not judging you right now!

I’ll write more later, I gotta go deliver this casserole!

MAIL DELIVERY SYSTEM

Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

TO: themominator79@mommymail.com

Your message wasn’t delivered to jenfreymond@gmail.com because the address could not be found. Check for douchebaggery and complete cluelessness and try again.

Follow Frazzled on Twitter for more!

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled.

Jen Freymond

Written by

Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond

Frazzled

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled. Parenting humor in bits and pieces.

Jen Freymond

Written by

Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond

Frazzled

Frazzled

We are parents and we are Frazzled. Parenting humor in bits and pieces.

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