Now Boarding Group One and You Poor Things…I Mean, Those With Young Children
We hope you enjoy your flight, but you definitely won’t
This is a call for flight UC89 to Washington Reagan. Boarding will begin in a few moments. So that we can have an on-time departure, we have moved some in-flight announcements and guidelines to pre-boarding for those traveling with young children.
For parents of children who have just turned two, we thank you for having paid the full fare. The profit margin on those seats is INSANE; any in-jokes and chuckles you see the cabin crew exchanging will generally be about this. In the seatback in front of you, you’ll find a helpful pamphlet titled “Little Johnny Is Worth It — Have You Considered Business Class?” It also helps to repeat the affirmation “I have no regrets” during take-off and then repeatedly until the child is about sixteen.
If you are sitting in 37C, we are sorry to inform you that the reclining mechanism on that seat is broken. You and your infant will be sitting practically vertical for five hours. 36C is also broken but stuck in the fully reclined position. This will prevent you from reaching the floor to pick up baby’s bottle or anything else that falls. During one of the six or seven vain attempts you make, a member of the cabin crew will have passed by your row with refreshments. Please do not press the call button when that happens; baby needs your complete attention.
For those carrying a stroller, you will have the option at the end of the jet bridge to fold it down and have it put in the hold. Of course, you should have checked it in as luggage two hours ago. Instead, you’ve chosen the option that will see you standing on the jet bridge in Reagan at 1 AM like a fugitive while every other passenger — even those from the dreaded group four — confidently strides past you.
If you’ve paid extra for premium economy and your child is two or three years old, keep in mind as he uses the extra legroom to wiggle out and run down the aisle, that all tickets are non-refundable. What were you THINKING? You REALLY had to have the sea salt and crushed black pepper potato chips?
It is not uncommon for a kind, practiced woman in her fifties behind you to offer help with your inconsolable crying baby. No, she can’t be your aunt (or even keep in touch), but we do recommend you take her offer; the momentary guilt you feel will quickly be replaced by joy as you realize you’ll get a chance to read about this month’s special credit card offer.
The lavatories in business class are reserved for those in business class and for the first mother in economy whose baby’s diaper needs to be changed. I repeat, the FIRST mother. All subsequent requests by economoms to use the business class lavatories will be met with our cabin crew’s patent-pending expression of empathy combined with utter disdain.
We thank you for choosing to fly with us this evening and we look forward to the day when adults-only routes are the norm.
