Parenting | Humor | Satire

Open Letter to the Coach Who Can’t See Talent When It Trips and Smashes into the Uneven Bars

My daughter didn’t fail gymnastics — gymnastics failed her

Overlook her clumsiness and remember she’s the daughter of a world-class gymnast (viarprodesign/freepik)

To Whom It May Concern, (Although I’m fairly certain it concerns YOU, insufferable gym coach)

I’m outraged that my precious daughter was not accepted into your elite gymnastics program. Do you have any idea how much time, money, and personal sacrifice I have invested to ensure Amber could follow in my footsteps as a world-class gymnast?

While it’s true that Amber may have been blessed with all the grace of a newborn giraffe on roller skates, her genetic potential is simply staggering. Try to look past her body flailing in twelve different directions, and remember how her mother was once the preternatural queen of the gymnastics mat.

Let’s not forget the 1989 World Championships, where I, mere moments before my performance, was informed that the equipment had been deliberately altered by a rival team. Undeterred, I performed the now-legendary “Hexed Heptuple Flip,” a feat so dangerous that it was immediately banned from future competitions. It is this very maneuver that Amber is destined to not only replicate but surpass — once she masters the art of…