Pinterest-Worthy Pandemic Preschool Projects for the Collapse of the Child Care System
3 Masks + 4 Tests = Under-5 Government Sponsored Learning Fun!
For parents of the under-five crowd, January was tough. We all remember where we were the day the child care disappeared. So how do we turn our tough January into some February learning fun? Why, with the help our government is sending us! No, they’re not extending the child tax credit. Nope, no vaccine approval yet either. Look, they don’t know where the child care went, okay? Instead, the government is sending something more immediate that will shape our children’s future: three N95 masks and four COVID-19 tests. These aren’t just an infuriatingly pathetic response to a pandemic now entering its third year. No, they’re also a valuable preschool curriculum that we will need because, again, there is no child care anywhere. So wrestle those drill bits out of your kid’s hands! You don’t have to compromise their safety anymore (hello, the hospitals are still full) for the sake of learning.
Calendar Counting
With your child, count the members of your household and compare them to the number of tests. Using the calendar featuring photos of your cousin’s “Hot Vax Summer” your aunt sent you, mark the day of your child’s first Covid-19 exposure in early January on the one day you broke down and used child care because it was miraculously open. Now, count five days out from that date, hold up one test, and say, “this sure would have been nice to have then.” If you cry a little as you say it, it will help your child remember this lesson. Finally, have your child mark their guess for their next exposure date and when your family will run out of tests on the calendar. In the days to come, you can have fun comparing your guesses to the empty shelf where you stored the tests.
Parachute Traveler
Take a used test to serve as a parachute traveler and have your child decorate it with markers. While they’re coloring, bring the plastic end of the nasal swab to your face and scrape it down your cheek to draw blood. If you feel pain, this means you have a chance. Take the pamphlet included in the test kit and paint, “WHERE ARE THE FUCKING TODDLER VACCINES?” with your blood using the swab as a writing instrument. When you’re done demonstrating upper-case lettering, tape your paper cry-for-help to the test. Now, turn the mask into a parachute by cutting the elastic bands and tying them to the test. Before launching your parachute traveler, show your child a map, pointing out cities where you’ve heard rumors of vaccine trials for their age group. Have them guess how far the parachute person will actually travel versus how far it would have to travel to complete its mission to find a vaccine.
Polar Ice Caps
Fill all three masks with water and balance them in your freezer between the Costco chicken nuggets and egg rolls that your family has been living off of for an indeterminate amount of time. Place the masks on a cookie sheet after they’re frozen. Tell your child these masks represent the polar ice caps and that, after Covid-19, combating climate change will be the world’s greatest challenge. Have them guess how long it will take for a little, some, and then all of the ice caps to melt. When you check the masks for ice-melt over the day, ask your child questions like “what have we done?” and “do you think your generation will ever forgive us?” as you grip their arm to communicate the degree your thoughts are spiraling that day.
Can you believe that with these simple pandemic tools we can help our children build important foundations in math, art, and science? It honestly doesn’t matter if you do, because, again, there’s no child care for us. None. And if there is child care, that child care is the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come — it’s on its way, but we don’t know when or for how long or what terrifying vision of the world it will reveal to us when it’s finally here. Because we don’t even know how to make the Christmas movies stop.
