Perhaps you’ve heard the buzz. This spring, two rarely seen groups will emerge from lengthy confinement. Together, they will form an X convergence of unimaginable scale. Because it will be truly unsettling, it is understandable to feel confused or even to worry that you’re in danger.
By learning some key facts about the X’s, you can perhaps achieve a level of acceptance of the disquieting spectacle that is set to occur. Can you identify which group is which?
1. Sensing the moment is nigh to surface from an extremely long period of internment, entirely surrounded by juveniles, they will drag their husks into the daylight.
2. When they burst onto the scene for this long-awaited adult time, their numbers will be startling — as they normally prefer life “underground.”
3. They might be so dirty that you aren’t sure at first what you’re looking at. However, they are identifiable by bulging red eyes and general lack of verve. They may emit high-pitched cries that last for several weeks.
4. Previous collective emergence took place 10 or 17 years ago — but no one can agree about which number is correct or which incarnation of Lollapalooza was happening.
5. Their own parents were absent because of work obligations. So, they are kind of winging it.
6. On this very unusual occasion, they will appear in the fresh air in huge numbers, and not just on suburban sidewalks and 9-piece outdoor furniture sets, either. They will swarm the most unexpected places, undermining the vibe at brunches, beer gardens, and illegal outdoor raves. They will almost certainly overwhelm the al fresco dining scene.
7. If you leave your convertible sports car open overnight, you should expect to stumble upon an unpleasant surprise in the morning that involves uninvited guests, seemingly unconscious.
8. They tend to cluster in the middle of everything, notably in the middle of leafy, hipster areas of the mid-Atlantic and Midwest.
9. An individual may look like a slacker, even up close, but could be a stealth, bloated workaholic.
10. For some time now, they have survived by sucking down liquids distilled from shrubs or trees or potatoes. Basically, whatever can be distilled.
11. If they have been drinking a lot, they may produce as many as 600 “Easter
eggs” that seem cinematic in nature and all over the place.
12. For hungry offspring in adjacent larger groups, they are an important source of food. They are said not to be bitter, but no one believes that.
13. Everyone thinks they ought to have the urge to take over the world. But they are too grounded for magical thinking. Also, just why? To live happily ever after? What does that even mean? They are going to exist until when? Like, tomorrow? The day after, tops? What a notion. Be serious. Ever after. Actual garbage is more appealing.
14. Despite the brooding, they are really quite harmless. However, they may have lost track of their kids.
15. Once underground and surrounded by juveniles again, they maintain tiny pathways to the world at large, remaining connected, if out of view.
16. They will all be gone from public life before Labor Day weekend. This was rad, but they’re so totally done.
(Answer Key: What’s an “answer?” Who cares?)