Recent Attention on Almond Moms Has Caused Other Nut-Based Moms to Come Out of Their Shells
Exposing the whole trail mix of problematic nut-based moms
With the proliferation of Almond Mom (AM) content floating around in the past few weeks, it was only a matter of time before all of the other nut-based moms would come out of their shells. Yes, Almonds Moms are nasty. Their restrictive, health-obsessed attitudes toward eating have caused more than a few middle class teenagers to go viral on TikTok and that has got to be tough since no teen wants to go viral. The truth is that AMs are not uniquely monstrous. There is a trail mix of other problematic nut-based moms and we’re here to expose them.
Roasted Chestnut Mom: She smells so good. That’s all she’s got, though. Once she lures you into her orbit with her heady aroma, you realize she’s kind of awful.
Chestnut Mom: Got fired and is bitter.
Walnut Mom: Almond Mom’s best frenemy. You’ll know her by her improbably smooth, yet oddly wrinkled, yet very tough exterior and her perma-scowl. Miffed because no one is paying her the same kind of attention they’re paying to AM. She is super healthy too! But she’s also kind of gross. Everyone agrees that she’s easier to be around when she’s baked.
Brazil Nut Mom: Curvaceous, foreign, beautiful. Out to destroy Almond and Walnut Moms because she’s the rightful Health Queen. She has one thing no one else has — selenium — and she will slap you if you ask what that is or does.
Pistachio Mom: So audacious, she doesn’t even have Nut in her name. Latched on to the “Sometimes, Naked Is Better” ad campaign back in 2018 and has been wearing less and less ever since. She represents a win for unbridled body positivity, but a loss for her children who get a bit embarrassed by her nudity at school functions.
Peanut Mom: An imposter and everyone knows it. She’s so toxic that she’s been banned from schools, airplanes and other public forums.
Pine Nut Mom: A sly little devil. You’ll find her in places you’d never expect and she will steal a bunch of your money if you’re not paying attention.
Corn Nut Mom: The hilarious, cool mom who speaks in nothing but clichés. She’s fun for a minute and then you realize that she’s not actually a nut, she is nuts, most likely due to her unrelenting thirst. Yes, that is a double entendre.
Coconut Mom: Speaking of thirst, this mom doesn’t want you drinking anything other than her sweet nectar to quench yours. So effective at marketing her product that she got her hometown to replace the tap water with her potassium-rich stuff. Townsfolk are still getting used to bathing with it and there’s been an unusual spike in gastrointestinal issues, but everyone has plenty of electrolytes.
Donut Mom: Literally empty inside, but the kids all love her for her simple and sweet disposition.
