Social Media Children

We love our little angsty apps

Lindsey Barnes
Jan 28, 2021 · 3 min read
Photo by dole777 on Unsplash

Instagram celebrated its 10th birthday recently. Double digits! As a mother about to celebrate her own child’s double digit birthday, it’s easy to see the social media apps as true representations of their ages.

Sometimes our real life kids require we stimulate our brains elsewhere, and for that, we are grateful to our surrogate children: social media apps.

Twitter is 14 and that makes perfect sense. Twitter is such a moody young teenager: over-emotional, picking fights over nothing. They say inappropriate things and then claim not to know better. They do one thing right and want you to celebrate that and overlook all the times they do nothing. And their algorithms (inner workings) are super confusing, change daily and are the key to their happiness and the happiness of those around them. They act like they don’t want to be noticed, but all they want is for everyone to like them.

Facebook is 16, the even more moody, sh!ttier older sibling of Twitter. Facebook thinks they know everything, but really they’re just repeating BS they’ve heard through a friend of a friend that isn’t even true. They stir the pot and take no responsibility for the trouble they cause. They want to be both fully supported yet fully independent. They will claim moral integrity, but will actually do anything for money. Britney Spears sang she was “not a girl, not yet a woman.” Facebook is not a technology platform, not yet officially a media monopoly. But congrats on destroying democracy… keepin’ it 💯

Instagram is the self-involved 10-year-old who thinks their entire life is worth sharing. Visually they have their act together. They are older, wiser and cleaner than their younger siblings, and younger, fitter and more pleasing than their adolescent siblings. They want to make you happy and will sometimes resort to cheap gimmicks to do so. If they do something for you, they want to be compensated. Your affection goes a long way, and the absence of it can be destructive.

Pinterest is the 10-year-old “artsy” one. They are the most creative and have great ideas, but aren’t fun to be around because any deviation from their original perfection they deem a “FAIL.” They have the best birthday parties and their goodie bags are the stuff of legends.

Snapchat is 9. They always seem to have a lot of new, weird tricks that entertain for 5 minutes before they get boring. When they do something cool, you’ll never see it again.

TikTok is the toddler sibling from dad’s new girlfriend. Like most toddlers, TikTok takes mildly amusing things and repeats them over and over again until they’re funny, and then until they’re annoying. Fun to play with, but will suck you in for hours and report all your personal info back to their creator to be used against you at a later date.

Only Fans is the baby of the bunch. Thirsty, messy, dirty. Only for the true fan, most of us can’t be bothered to look after it. Loves to take off their clothes… there are a lot of body parts and bodily functions on constant display.

My Space is the older sibling from a different marriage. They once seemed cool, but aren’t around much anymore. Still out there, you will randomly hear about them once in a while. They have been fighting for relevance for over a decade, but will settle for acknowledgement that they were the original.

LinkedIn is of legal age now and believes they are the mature one. Networking is their whole life, and one day all that hard work will be worth it. Bore off!

A warning to parents: the more time you spend with these “children,” the more you will ignore your own.

#blessed #parentlife #neverchange #hashtag #morehashtags #stillmorehashtags #whysomanyhashtags

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