Sorry, Mommy Can’t Come Out of Isolation Yet For These Totally Valid Reasons
Sweetheart, I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to be stuck in my room, by myself, for the first time in I don’t know how many years, instead of out there picking up your mess.
I desperately want to come out of isolation and help you craft a unicorn out of glitter while I lead a conference call, but the CDC says that gluing with Covid is dangerous for my health. Sorry!
I mean, I could wear a mask and come out, but I really don’t want to cook dinner that you’ll immediately decide is disgusting, even though you liked it last week. You’ll throw it on the floor and I’ll have to wash — I mean, disinfect you and daddy.
Trust me, I want to get out of isolation, and go back to being “MOMMY!!!!
No, not even Grandma or our friendly, local government bureaucrat who has our family’s five free Covid tests can come in. I know it’s hard, but the last thing a mom like me wants is to have even a tiny amount of help from the community or government.
I don’t know why you think it sounds like I’m on speakerphone at an upscale hotel. I promise, I’m on the other side of this door, which incidentally is preventing me from spreading the super real Covid germs that I am not pretending to have. You heard someone ask me if I wanted another frozen daiquiri? Wow, you have a vivid imagination!
For the last time — I don’t know why the two lines on my Covid test were different shades of red. No, I haven’t seen your red crayon.
Listen darling, I wouldn’t wish this kind of asymptomatic case of Covid on anyone who’s been vaccinated and boosted and maybe just needs a few days off from the demands of being a mother in a country where even my toddler can count higher than the number of paid sick days off I get. Anyway, getting eight hours of sleep a night, going to the bathroom without an audience, and being on my own still really sucks!
I can hear Daddy’s sobbing uncontrollably. Maybe offer him a ride on the glitter unicorn?
I don’t know what you mean by, “I sound happier and better rested than I have in years,” because those are very big words for a toddler. I promise, the last thing I want out of this pandemic is for anything — anything at all — to change. Not even say, the federal government mandating paid time off to care for a loved one or outlawing outrageous medical premiums.
Shit, I didn’t know your chubby toddler fingers could dial me on FaceTime, but yes, it was a great idea, because I missed seeing your face too. No sweetie, I think you’re imagining that my room used to look different, because there has always been an outdoor pool next to the bed.
Listen, if I come out now, with my totally genuine case of Covid, just imagine what will happen if you take it to preschool. Our government’s very real and robust contract tracing system will trace it back to me, and then we’ll be ostracized by the entire population that has decided to “move on” from Covid, even though more than 900,000 people have died. I mean, think of how that would affect your childhood!
Thanks for sending me the screenshot from the Warriors game. And you’re right, that woman sitting next to Uncle Mike and Aunt Mona screaming at Steph Curry does look a lot like me. But of course, it’s not me, because again, I’m isolating from a bonafide case of Covid in my bedroom.
Now if you can all just close your eyes and cover your ears for a minute, I need to sneak back in.
